What a week !!!

Is it possible to say "Happy Memorial Day?" Especially now with so many dead soldiers to be memorialize? It is sad. I can only say "Blessings" to those who suffered and may their souls be set free and may one day in the future we forget war and fighting and learn to get along and communicate before killing. I guess this holiday is all about celebrating their lives and so we shall.

My grandmother, who shared in the "raising of Angela", has had a heart attach between Monday morning through Tuesday am and finally went to the hospital 6 am. She was not sure it was an attach because she has had such a hard time with Diabetes, spine issues related to osteoarthritis and high bP and never had any heart issues or high cholesterol etc.. A WARNING FOR WOMEN if you feel an ache in your chest, heratburn, pain in head, ears, jaw area or arms please go to a Dr. Plaque can form in a day but is the momentary breaking or tearing away of the plaque during a stressful moment which causes the problems and blockages and sometime ruptures. Us woman tend to be the caretakers and we try so hard to make sure everyone Else's needs are met before out own. We also hold a lot in our hearts. The heart symbolizes all the happy, sad, emotional feelings which we remeber in the cells of that tender muscle we call the heart. Poets have used the organ in ways to describe love, heart-brake sadness, loss etc...I learned a very important lesson yet again from my dearest, beautiful, smart, clever, sweet grandma Vera. I have idolized her my entire life. I emulated her love of arts, gardening, wilderness, birds, walking in the woods, reading, humor, cooking, silliness and child likeness. Her long legs and startling blue eyes and that smile !!! She is always laughing and has a long term memory like an elephant. She has a rhyme, song or ditty for every occasion. Yesterday in her hospital unit I saw someone I did not know. It scared the hell out of me and brought back some very difficult memories of my mom and my other grandma. They have a certain look when sick. You know the look. It made me realize how fragile we each can be and how precious each breath and moment is to celebrate that life inside us all. She is still in recovery and I am waiting by the phone to find out more details. My poor Popa can barely grasp what is happening, much less walk a few steps, and his grief and fear is evident. His fragility is frightening and I waite for that call any day. How sad to leave the love of your life. He turns 90 this fall and all he lives for is her. I feel for them both !! yet we are all going to be there one day.

My father and I spent the day togther and tackling the issues and future possibilies with a certain sense of "Now What?. I found comfort in the strength of my dad who is always there for me when I am sick, and now he is there for his mom. I can only imagine how painful this is to him (first my mom, then me and now his mom). I laugh too when I think of two seperate occasions in the hospital when I was a patient dad at my side...My father and I love to read the Sunday New York Times together. He usually falls asleep half way through the paper with hands folded loosely at his chest and snoring like a bull. Nurses in and out, bells and whistles going off and yet he snores. That is how I feel now. Like curling up with my freshly delivered NYT and loving husband while falling alseep if only for a moment to dream a good dream and dreamily listen to the cacophany of birds, rain and wildlife in our garden of eaden.

I am schedule still for shoulder replacement June 28th and all the other ongoing medical appointments and treatments. All is well and our garden-yard are flowering, blooming and sprouting. We ate our first salad from the garden and have planted butt loads of food. We are blessed. !!!!! My sweet husband is home and you know I love that so much !!!! Woo woo woo !!

Make every day a great day !!!! Every moment extraordinary. Tell someone you love them or forgive them while you have the chance. Make life special. Angela

Done with Cytoxan !!!!!

Monday was the last of six monthly infusions, which is bitter sweet. I thought I would be in a celebratory mood and feel instantly healed and free......but that was not to be the case. In fact I felt almost depressed which is odd. I think when one ends a chapter in their lives, whether painful or joyous, it is an ending which deserves the same grieving process as all endings do. This was a stronger dose and my body felt more tired and toxic than normal so perhaps I was just in a "blue funk" as my Grandma Vera says.......God bless her !!! She always finds a way to cheer me up. I also remember every other mother's day week is like this (blue funk). I miss my mom and my Grandma Donna and I always longed myself to feel what it is like to be a mom and have un-cooked french toast and juice brought to my bedroom door Mother's Day morning, by giggly kids wearing flour covered kisses. At age 40 I still feel like a kid who will never know what it feels like to be a mother. I live vicariously through those around me who do have kids(nieces, nephews, god daughters etc...). It makes me happy to know that every year moms all over the nation are acknowledged and remembered for all they do to inspire, nurture, feed, love and befriend !!!!! Every woman is a mom !!!

Make yourself a great Mother's Day! No matter who you are you have a mother somewhere. Let them know how special they are by a call, flowers, card or a silent prayer.

My cousin Sally came through brain surgery and is healing....Keep on sending her good vibes !!!

Thank you Kitty for helping out and Dale for getting me in the pool !!!! Nina for flowers and Renee for the plants and friendship........It makes it so much sweeter, this life, with friends who care.

Angela