The thing about surviving.....

I sit here now, after lounging all day in bed with movies and a book, wondering what it is like to survive. Last year I did not see my future. This year others have died. Over the years I have mourned many who did not survive. I feel there is a bitter sweetness about surviving. I look at it from both ends. One end looks like hope or skating away from the hands of death like a child playing tag. Then the other end looks very contorted and filled with questions that have no answers and confusing codes like the periodic table, confusing to the non scientific mind.

I wonder why some leave earlier than others or why some live to be over 100 years old despite their horrible diets or packs of cigarettes smoked. I wonder why youth can be given and taken so quickly. I feel sad for those who walk the planet dead but still taking in air as if they had no idea of what they we are wasting or any thought of leaving more for those who do actually treasure every moment.

I look at this day, my birthday, as a day of reflection for all the goodness there is and for all the equally weirdness that prevails. Then I sit back and breathe in air with the great love and zest of what the O2 brings and I look around and feel both blessed and cursed at once. Part of me feels lucky and blessed to be alive and the other part feels guilty for some odd reason that other's whose lives once burned bright dimmed so quickly. That is the irony of life. On this day of my birth the irony hits home even more so than ever. The O2 smells that much sweeter.

Douglas made videos for my Christmas gift and for my birthday. He also made one for Dad's birthday. We watched these yesterday and today feeling it all flow through me, the years I have been breathing and all the faces who breathe no more. I am in awe of that awareness and of the life I have been re-given so many times.

I am blessed and blissed. The symmetry and irony meld into one life touched and molded by so many. I give thanks for that. I give thanks for my loved ones, especially my sweet mate Douglas.( I will forgive him for some of the photos he sent our family of me in times least attractive) then I look at him in wonder because I am so lucky. There is no irony in love like that and in the gift of love and life. That is pure magic.

So for this new year the gift I give to you all is the gift of love and life........Pure and simple.

Dad turned 60

Wow has time flown by. Where did it go? My dad just turned 60, Doug turns 48 in January and I turn 41 this month. How does that happen. My sense of time is different from that of most people. I tend to live in the moment and try to not plan too much. One thing I am planning is a three month move to Asheville with Douglas to work on a project. He has been going back and forth for a while and will continue. Makes sense for me to be down there for the winter. I am really excited about the project and about spending time with much missed friends and family. I also realize there is fear in steeping out of my comfort zone.

This past year and half has been hellish on this old body of mine, yet it has provided me time to rest, revive, heal, contemplate and grow as a human. I have had much alone time to look deep into this ole soul and I sometimes did not like what I saw. I also at times sat in wonder of "ME". I know the power of healing on a deeper level than ever before and now I am ready to get back out there in the world and see what I am made of now. The body may be destroyed to an extent and still managing a very scary disease, but there is a self empowerment I have gained. I feel I can live a full life. What do I have to lose? The same things we all do. I realized we are all on this boat together full of vulnerability and warts and all that stuff.

All in all I wanted to say I am peeking my head out of the shell and testing the waters beyond my back yard. If you want to reach me you can email me and I will be glad to pass on cell phone or other numbers for contact. I will check email every day a few times while down there. I will have to fly home for medical stuff a few times, damn I can not escape totally, but that is the plan in this moment. For tomorrow it could chnage.

Happy holiday season and for all of you who celebrate whatever holiday you celebrate during this time till January 1st may it be well spent and full of love and blessings. Make every day count !!! Tell everyone you love how you feel and walk away from those situations which no longer serve your highest good. Reach ot a hand to help another and always be kind. Every season is a season for kindness.

I also wanted to say to my friends who just lost their dear brother and friend Sam.......I love you and you were lucky to have had this time with him to tell him how greatly he was loved. What a wonderful way to go. I am sad for your loss.