My friend took me up for a flight in his four seater, Tiger. It was great. I had so much fun it was wonderful seeing the area from the air. I miss hang gliding and feel so blessed to have had that gift of flight. The mountains are lush a green and I was pleasantly surprised it did not look as developed as I imagined. It seems most of the growth is downtown. Urban sprawl might be quelled for a little while but it is on the rise. It is always refreshing to gain an eagles eye and gain fresh perspective.
I had a great chat with my grandmother the other day who is amazing in her late eighties, Popa 90, and they both still drive and she even goes gambling with friends. I was laughing so hard at her stories which are pretty amazing. She was a Rosie Riveter during the war. My grandfather was on a base in California and when she was 18, before they married, her and a friend took a train across the country from Detroit to California to visit their fellows. The friend stayed and my grandmother trained back herself. What is so funny is her friend ended up throwing my grandmother a wedding shower but instead of the typical she threw a "Mourning" party like a funeral. They had black decor with hanky's for crying and all the fun quarks that accompany a wake. How funny !!! I laughed so hard. It was all in good clean fun. This woman ended up writing many books on rebirth and reincarnation and was on Oprah years back. I read her one book "Return To Marlboro" so many years ago I can barely remember, but my grandmother can remember all these details. She has macular degeneration, diabetes, heart issues, arthritis and high BP which does not seem to take anything away from her humor or spirit. Her last words on the phone before "I love you" was "Keep your finger in the dike", from an old Danish story. I almost peed in my pants. I admire her spirit so much. She carries herself with grace and character we usually forget about in todays society. I like that Moxy.
On a highly personal note (children or prudes step away from the computer)..........hey all you married women; have you had a time keeping the romance alive? Who has not right? Douglas and I have a fabulously beautiful relationship with more laughs than any couple I know, but when I was so sick, it was hard to get it up, so to speak. I mean that on my end with all the meds and surgeries I was not thinking about sex. I slept, ate, slept and messed in the garden. Doug took care of me like a parent would a child with great care which is a great challenge for a lover. Lately that has changed. I am not sure what changed but I can say that opening dialog and being really honest can take you places you never dreamed. It is not about the sex as much as the deepening of a relationship after many years of living with someone and spending so much time together. We know each other inside and out farts and all. For most long term relationships, over ten years anyway, the date nights disappear into movies on DVD with popcorn and PJ's. Champagne turns into boxed wine. A real intimate moment is just that; a moment. The long dates of seduction and foreplay start with and end with a back rub and ben gay. It is not easy keeping it sexy, but we have been able to do so in the midst of all life's challenges. This past reawakening of desire and passion has brought us into a new level of intimacy beyond what we dreamed. I knew we had the best relationship we could ever hope for, but then it keeps getting better. I am reminded that we are blessed. If the scientists call passion a chemical reaction which creates oxytocin and fermones(whatever they are called) then they are missing the point. Love and intimacy are combined to create a lasting bond of trust and honest communication which is the best orgasm truly. Lust is there for certain procreation but when it wears down over the years what kicks is in is even hotter. I am with the sexiest man alive and I know it. That along with the entire package is sexy just as it is. More tips if you are open......not online.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
OK still working on book....coffee talk
I finally see that writing a book is a healing journey that takes many twists and turns into the depths of ones soul. All the hidden treasures and ghosts come screaming out of the closet all at once or in little subtle pieces. Yesterday I took my Sunday afternoon chill out day. From 11:00-4:00 I worked on computer and from 4:00-7:00 I watched Food Channel shows I love, stayed off my sore legs and sipped on some chilled white wine, of course wine goes with food. Then I cooked dinner and watched last half of a movie while Douglas was finishing a long seemingly frustrating day on the computer working. After dinner we sat there watching the nature channel on a Peruvian Tribe and their rites of passage for men when the phone rang. It was Doug's phone and an old friend on the other end inviting he and a few other old dear friends to a lunch, which they do every few years when all are in Asheville. Their connection is deep and spiritually based back during a time before I met Douglas. I was also friends with two of them before I met Douglas as well, but not as close as he was so I would understand why it is important for them to have quality time.
We all have those connections with people in our lives who are like family and during pivotal times which are life changing, these bonds are made that much stronger. I would say this meets those qualifications for Douglas and I totally respect that. I have never been invited to join them though, unless I ask Douglas if I can come, he says yes, but I would not go anyway. It's the ego thing. That little girl inside me just likes being counted or considered and liked. The only girl on the playground playing alone during all those years we moved (just about every two-three years and usually right in the middle of the school year) was starting to pop out and was saying "Hey can I come? am I invited? Someone play with me fast". That's seemingly irrational but hidden deep down inside each and every one of us. Think of being bullied or having kids pick on you when you were young because your name was strange or your teeth were messed up? Or your glasses too big? You know what I am talking about. If you don't then you were either perfect, enlightened or the bully. It's a human thing to want to be part of the group, liked, loved and accepted.Most importantly "Understood". I think part of being in a good relationship is being able to express that need even if it seems childish.
The human psyche can be very tricky and will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Hormones? "Don't go there". It is more about peeling the onion and getting to the core of an old hurt possibly from early childhood or sooner? Douglas is a very sensitive man and loves me deeply, so it does not have to do with him directly. I I just want to be included and understood during those moments of "Poor me". Seems so tiny but we are not tiny creatures are we? No ! we are very complicated and even highly emotional at times. Our air waves reflect all the drama of super stars and politicians. I think we love seeing others emotional pain on some level because it makes us feel better about ourselves and we can jump to judge them instead of getting the tree out of our own eye. I want to live in a world where we try to find out "why?" instead of jumping to judge or turning the other direction? Why do we judge, fight,go to war,get jealous, feel superior,abuse people, cheat, lie, steal, have addictions, get angry, commit suicide, throw pity parties, have road rage, act out in any way other than that of love and compassion? If we know the answer to our inner pains we might find compassion, only then can we learn to empathize? Empathy can heal any wound but compassion has to be there to open the door to understanding with no judgment. It is a tall order we must learn in order to heal this world, ourselves, others and the planet. So it is much deeper when truly analyzed. I do think it takes the feminine touch to turn the tide. Our leaders could learn from the mothers and grandmothers.
The ego is the voice behind it all. It is afraid to be hurt, abandoned, unloved, disliked or damaged in any way. So we fly off the handle at a little things when the real big sore is still buried deep inside and bruised. The only way to do that is to keep peeling and keep it real. I chose to heal my inner scars but not at the expense of my mate, friends, strangers and family. No, I want to take the high ground, but still feel safe to express my feelings and be heard without being dismissed. I guess I have lots of work to do. Another day. Off to work on other more timely matters of a Monday. Oh, and men could learn how to listen better too with out trying to fix it or get frustrated with us emotional, powerful females.
We all have those connections with people in our lives who are like family and during pivotal times which are life changing, these bonds are made that much stronger. I would say this meets those qualifications for Douglas and I totally respect that. I have never been invited to join them though, unless I ask Douglas if I can come, he says yes, but I would not go anyway. It's the ego thing. That little girl inside me just likes being counted or considered and liked. The only girl on the playground playing alone during all those years we moved (just about every two-three years and usually right in the middle of the school year) was starting to pop out and was saying "Hey can I come? am I invited? Someone play with me fast". That's seemingly irrational but hidden deep down inside each and every one of us. Think of being bullied or having kids pick on you when you were young because your name was strange or your teeth were messed up? Or your glasses too big? You know what I am talking about. If you don't then you were either perfect, enlightened or the bully. It's a human thing to want to be part of the group, liked, loved and accepted.Most importantly "Understood". I think part of being in a good relationship is being able to express that need even if it seems childish.
The human psyche can be very tricky and will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Hormones? "Don't go there". It is more about peeling the onion and getting to the core of an old hurt possibly from early childhood or sooner? Douglas is a very sensitive man and loves me deeply, so it does not have to do with him directly. I I just want to be included and understood during those moments of "Poor me". Seems so tiny but we are not tiny creatures are we? No ! we are very complicated and even highly emotional at times. Our air waves reflect all the drama of super stars and politicians. I think we love seeing others emotional pain on some level because it makes us feel better about ourselves and we can jump to judge them instead of getting the tree out of our own eye. I want to live in a world where we try to find out "why?" instead of jumping to judge or turning the other direction? Why do we judge, fight,go to war,get jealous, feel superior,abuse people, cheat, lie, steal, have addictions, get angry, commit suicide, throw pity parties, have road rage, act out in any way other than that of love and compassion? If we know the answer to our inner pains we might find compassion, only then can we learn to empathize? Empathy can heal any wound but compassion has to be there to open the door to understanding with no judgment. It is a tall order we must learn in order to heal this world, ourselves, others and the planet. So it is much deeper when truly analyzed. I do think it takes the feminine touch to turn the tide. Our leaders could learn from the mothers and grandmothers.
The ego is the voice behind it all. It is afraid to be hurt, abandoned, unloved, disliked or damaged in any way. So we fly off the handle at a little things when the real big sore is still buried deep inside and bruised. The only way to do that is to keep peeling and keep it real. I chose to heal my inner scars but not at the expense of my mate, friends, strangers and family. No, I want to take the high ground, but still feel safe to express my feelings and be heard without being dismissed. I guess I have lots of work to do. Another day. Off to work on other more timely matters of a Monday. Oh, and men could learn how to listen better too with out trying to fix it or get frustrated with us emotional, powerful females.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
In Honor of My Mother
Today is my moms birthday. She died in 1975 with lupus complications. It is always a challenging day even if I do not remember until the end of the day, I somehow usually feel it in some way or another. Today started out great then I felt stressed by many little things which normally would not get to me. It is one of those days. My sister called me to remind me and to do our ritual 6:00 toast in honor of her. I was so young when she died it feels like a whole life away yet I carry her in my heart everywhere I go every day. I do the work I do with lupus fund raising and awareness for her and others alike. I guess you can say I carry her hope that one day we find a cure and the suffering will end for millions who have auto immune disorders. I sure do miss her though. I remember her constant smile, big blue eyes and soft blond hair, or wig, depending on the time. I can see her walking on the beach in a caftan or Turkish robe and floppy hat looking very chic. Her laugh was infectious and everyone adored her as they should. What an uplifting spirit she was to so many. Amazing to me how those who seem to have the most challenges somehow find a way to lift others up by their good nature, a sweet smile and uplifting attitude. She was one of those people and I will aspire to that as a human all my life. What a challenge. One thing I know for sure is that she was happy and at peace. It is great comfort. "I love you mom".
On a light note........I am gearing up for posting a funny version of my memoir. The first chapter will explain and set up a wild ride of a life. What fun to remember and document ones life. If it never gets published or read at least I will have put it in print and had a good laugh or two and some tears as well. It saves a lot on therapy too. The end result is good as you know. There sure have been a cast of characters. The book is more about the others who helped shape my life than me. Yes that may me you.........
Peace and Health
On a light note........I am gearing up for posting a funny version of my memoir. The first chapter will explain and set up a wild ride of a life. What fun to remember and document ones life. If it never gets published or read at least I will have put it in print and had a good laugh or two and some tears as well. It saves a lot on therapy too. The end result is good as you know. There sure have been a cast of characters. The book is more about the others who helped shape my life than me. Yes that may me you.........
Peace and Health
Monday, June 2, 2008
"Roller Coaster.............Come down"
For those of you who remember the 70's hit from "Kasey and the Sunshine Band" called "Roller Coaster" you will relate to how I feel. I am on steroids once again and flying high on the roller coaster of manic mania. It is truly amazing how this medication can mask the symptoms of a disease and even put it into remission while at the same time create havoc in your body, mind and emotions. Emotionally I am great: that is to say "manic" and happy with energy and lots of mental action in my little brain.........but then I realize I am like a high energy "bunny" with OCD and ADD on speed. I can hardly practice meditation or read a sentence because my mind is in 100 places all at once. The upside, and there is always an upside, is that I get a lot more done while multi tasking and feel pretty damn good. Chatty Kathy comes out to play. I can relate to why I was so hyper active in my earlier years when high doses of steroids were a daily event. I know my sister Martha and old best friend/room-mate Lisa will understand totally because I drove them crazy. The downside is that it is hard to get to sleep or stop the mental chatter, I talk to myself with out realizing it and sometimes it can make me cranky or emotional(not now thank goodness). Douglas came in the kitchen where I was alone cooking and asked who I was talking to.......That's not good. my answer was obvious and "YES" I do answer. That being said it is a wild ride and always interesting.
So "word"...........of caution; when around me now please understand I am slightly off balance and a little like a young woman in her 20's. It will go away as I taper down and eventually get off these roids, But while I am on this wave I will ride it as long as I can because being out of bed with energy and youthfulness feels good, even if I am a little nuts.
So "word"...........of caution; when around me now please understand I am slightly off balance and a little like a young woman in her 20's. It will go away as I taper down and eventually get off these roids, But while I am on this wave I will ride it as long as I can because being out of bed with energy and youthfulness feels good, even if I am a little nuts.
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