Blue Funk...........

Contrary to popular belief I too get the blues, or as my grandma says, the blue funk. I am prone to feeling down in the dumps like everyone else. My positive attitude does sway from time to time and there are dark places where I can travel if allowed. I give myself a day to feel that and that is all. I had one of those days today. It was brightened by a fabulous gift from my Dad-grandfather...........Lawson. He sent gloves which are totally ME and very warm and soft. Not itchy wool or tacky leather. Nice, warm, soft and my sized gloves. It made me smile after a day of the blue funk. It does not happen much but it does happen.

Why? There are many obvious reasons if you know my life. I do overcome much but sometimes there creeps in the grim reaper, even in the best of circumstances. He does not know me or my thoughts and yet he finds me in the most challenging of times and the best of times. The sadness for the planet, our troops, the poor and disengaged, their families, my family, friends and foes, Doug's health, my health, work, business, being separated from loved ones etc. Knowing Douglas has to go back down south to work during the cold of Michigan winter and so many other reasons which really are not of major importance in the grand scheme of things, yet I too am human. My woes are few yet I feel so much.Perhaps an empathetic(pathetic) soul.

My impetus for writing this is not to grovel for pity or gain blessings..........it is to let those of you who do face great sorrow at times to know that I too feel the same. We all have these moments which are unexpected. Sometimes there are real reasons and other times we just get sad. That is the paradox of human nature. Good/evil....sad/happy...rich/wealthy and so on..........It does not end. I encourage myself to feel it all and I share what I feel. Thanks for listening.

Laziness November 29th

Now I am not prone to laziness although I have nothing against it either. I feel the same way about laziness one might feel about toast and jam; it is fine to eat but nothing to get excited or discouraged about or as Cost Rican's might say "Maso Menos", loosely translated to "so so". It is fine to be lazy if one is tired, sick, unmotivated, worked hard all week and deserves a rest or just for the sake of doing nothing. Some might argue that point as I have close family-friends who feel they are useless if they are not doing something "productive" every single moment. My husband being one of those creatures. He says he is inherently lazy and fights the urge to nap. Ha!. I have never known him to be a slouch or rest on his laurels. In fact, is always working either physically, mentally, on the computer, bouncing ideas off me the Muse, sitting with a note pad in hand or waving his hands in the air and staring into the ether's slightly rambling silent words of mind talk like I would think of Einstein at times of genius....it is a strange friend with whom he talks. It drives him every minute of every day. The drive to be productive stems from financial struggles of past and often present. When you own your own business and you are the only employee it all falls heavy on the shoulders of one. It is a weight to bear and he carries it well. That is until his back gives out or his head-sinuses explode from all the weight he is carrying and the heavy thinking. I gave him two full days off, forced by me, accepted(partially) by him. I have to force him to stop. "But there is so much to do before I go to Tennessee" he says...or wherever the next project may be. In this case Tenn. I hear these words and I wonder to myself "how can he keep it all going on just a few hours of sleep per night?". Which brings me to laziness. Somehow deep in the recesses of our minds we remember our parents telling us that "Idle hands are the devils workshop" and other sayings which never made much sense. I think the guilt was carried over from our WWII surviving parents and/or grandparents who lived through the great depression, and I am not talking about the last administration or the current state of affairs.......but those who truly waited in bread lines for hours to feed a family of ten. They instilled a work ethic with which I agree whole hardheartedly until it causes illness and stress.

I learned the hard way. The body needs rest. There is a fine balance of rest, fun and work. Then there is time for which no title can be given and that is the time we spend with our loved ones, pets, nature or ourselves in a quiet setting, away from noise, work, computers, I-Pods, cell phones, Wi's,blackberry's, radio, TV and all that modern high tech gadgetry which demands most of our attention. What is ironic is that if used properly it could free one to spend more time being lazy or quite. This is our modern dilemma: The fine balance between tech toys, work, play and rest.The tech stuff if used correctly can allow for more of the RR time we so lack in our society. It can offer a chance to eat a meal together with out standing in the kitchen shoveling junk food in our face as a replacement for dinner.That is one thing we DO ensure: we always eat meals sitting together at the dining table, even of there is a note pad present. (I too keep one close by 24 hours a day).

During surgery healing I spend most of my time reclined with book, TV, phone, writing or napping. I know my body wants to heal and if I do not head it's calling I will risk way too much(a hip for starters). I find it easy to lounge with my hot pad. The voices in my head occasionally tell me I should be doing this or that but then I get up on my walker and wonder about a few minutes only to realize I just need to be still, take a siesta or three, read another chapter of "Lacuna", write on my blog and stir the soup I made from scratch after making turkey salad with leftovers, washed the dishes, put leftovers in a container for Dadio's dinner tomorrow night, made breakfast and cleaned out the fridge. Wow those two hours flew by. I can justify my laziness. I hope my true love can learn to justify his once in a blue moon. Oh.......I have a cold too. "bless me". Time to go relax. "Manana"

"Disability My Ass"

http://www.cafepress.com/coolpositive.330295961

Have fun with this and laugh......it's a good way to cope !!!!!

Gratefulness and lupus and Thanksgiving

Wow !! I just received the best news today. My nurse Claudia called and said my last labs were perfect !!! I am not on Cell-Cept or anything for lupus. I am only on the minimal steroids for what my adrenals should be making and blood pressure-kidney meds. The rest is supplemental-natural except for sleeping aide when I need for pain or discomfort. This is huge. I am not on immunosuppressives anymore and I am doing great!!! This does not mean remission. I still have a positive Anti-DSDNA test but it is lower than it has been since March from 21 to 13(?) I think that's what she said and some minor symptoms and fatigue.

I was having a moment when she called and a bit pre-occupied with my own "stuff". We all have our moments. It is one of those things we humans have to deal with that animals and plants seemingly are free from......"Human Drama". I got my feelings hurt today and that is all I have to say. It was great to hear Claudia's wise voice telling me my tests came back fabulous !!! Now I can just focus on healing bones and joints with out worrying about kidneys and lupus. I also smelled my mom again today and that is always a good sign.

So Douglas and I got some of the prep complete for tomorrows meal. Dad has the pies and turkey and we roasted chestnuts(yummo),made cranberry-orange sauce,prepped the veggies for the dressing, cooked cornbread and bread for dressing,prepped the mustard green-white bean salad,(picked the greens this am) and managed to have a lamb curry stew to boot from the farmers market. Not bad for a crip. Doug moved furniture and we are ready for the event. Doug's mom sent a lovely flower arrangement which smells so good! and is beautiful. Wish we could have all our family together. Looks like we will be 6 in total. Nina is coming over for breakfast only and the rest of the Gross family will be here around 1:00 for 2 pm dinner.

May you all have good news to share and blessings to count. Much love.........Angela

thankfulness

"You should be thankful for everything at all times. Realize that all power to think, and speak, and act comes from God, and that He is with you now, guiding and inspiring you."

Paramahansa Yogananda

Well said !!! Have you ever read "Autobiography of a Yogi"?. Good read. My friend Karin sent this quote to me. She is one of my "sisters" and always has wonderful quotes and heartfelt things to say. I am grateful for my sister friends.

I had a great PT session today. My muscles are starting to come back slowly.it takes a lot out of me but in another week or so I think I will turn a corner. No driving yet darn it. Slow steps and patience is what I need now.

Hope all is well with everyone !!!!

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit".
Emmanuel Teney

My friend Susan sent this. Appropriate response to the last posting. That says it all. Now I get a great massage from my friend Renee and energy work. She is so awesome to come here and rub me down. I am very lucky indeed. Hopefully we will find some good green for her in the garden. Just when I think the garden is done it surprises me with more lettuce, greens and radicchio. Always fresh herbs too ! Even flowers are still blooming including one indoor plant my sister gave me which was my moms favorite scent,Patchouli. It is blooming !!! my brother, sister and I have been dreaming of our mom, Donna.Actually she is my grandmother but raised me after my mom, Pam, died of complications resulting form Lupus Nephritis. Donna raised me as her own.Both grandmothers did. She has been in our dreams laughing. I feel her and my mom hanging around. Their love that is. Interesting.

On Faith............Beyond Hope..........

First let me get through the health update. I am still not 100%, but feel ten times better than I did the past week. I actually did not realize how bad I felt until I was able to finally collapse Thursday eve to present. I purged last night and it felt great. Whatever was in my system seems to be gone for the most part. Low grade fever still persists but I feel human. I even made dinner last night, baked bread and cooked breakfast this morning, which is usually Douglas' Sunday morning thing. I did not eat all my food but it is staying in. I know I did not have the flu but it seemed I had something inside me that my body wanted to Flush OUT...literally. My Dr. and I agree it could have been leftover from Hospital stay during surgery. Half lives of medications mixed with the pain , new parts and chemicals placed into body and constipation will do weird things to a fragile body.

So "On Faith".......Douglas and I had a great conversation this morning that really hit home for us both. Not going into all the details but we realized that faith is beyond hope. Faith is belief under all circumstances, knowing, total trust, complete confidence that all is as it should be and all is OK. Financial burdens or health issues always seem to work out one way or anther and I "Know" this to be true. We are always taken care of. Douglas needed to hear this from me.I needed to speak it.We had spent so many years building a business in Asheville(struggling)while dealing with health challenges and set backs,then moved back to Michigan with no debt, money in the bank and a "hope" that he would build his business here and thrive........"Not" ! The economy tanked, he continued commuting to Asheville for work, all our savings went into house equity (which we have lost much of) and my health took a major shift for the worse only months after we moved into our home.We have questioned our faith and decision to move or at least to move here to Michigan during such challenging times, yet I had no choice medically and now I know we made the right decision based on faith. UM hospital and my Dr. could offer me the best care during a rough 4 years. Had I been in Asheville I doubt I would be writing these words.It would be a different story. I have a team of medical professionals that is the best for my condition. I have family-friends in Michigan who have known me from birth, who are close by and are old pros at helping out and caring for us during long flares and hospital stays.I have to add; our friends in Asheville and family in the south was-is still amazing and supportive beyond belief!!! They just don't live right down the road like they do here, but I wish they were! I fear that after 18 years in Asheville I may have burned out a few caregivers, especially my closest-dearest friends. Even I know when it is time to ask others to step up while weary friends can get a break, whether they think that or not, I felt it.

The point is that Doug and I have been challenged and had to overcome many obstacles in order to survive.We could not have done it with out our faith,friends and family. They always show up! We are grateful and blessed. We talked about hope and prayer. Now we see that "faith" is "beyond hope" and we have moved into total faith and intention. Our intention to live a joy-filled life together with gratitude has always been our plan, yet to speak the words and feel their power is amazing. I saw in my meditation Jesus in a white light protecting us and telling me all is well. "Now that is faith based on intention": To make a decision to truly trust and believe,then put into action our faith. So it is.The rest is just our story unfolding daily. Glad you are here for the ride. Be well.

Last lupus class for season..............

Last night was really interesting. Our nurse Claudia has co-authored a book for stress management targeted for UM hospital staff, but she shared some insights with us last night which she learned while researching and practicing stress management techniques. She also went into the history of stress and the many facets(physiological,mental,emotional,hormonal and perceived). I think this class should be in every session and maybe allow more time for it.If we can learn to manage our stress and understand the mechanics behind it, we will have more power controlling and releasing it in positive ways thus reducing flares and illness. She also had an interesting daily practice we enjoyed called the "Gratefulness Practice". Every morning when you wake up take your hand and look at it paying attention at first to your thumb and ask yourself what you are grateful for and really feel the gratitude. Then focus attention on your index finger while thinking about all the people you judge or "point your finger at" and send them gratitude and hold them in light or pray for them. Next move to middle finger and pray or hold in light your leaders. Move on to the ring finger and turn your attention to the individuals you choose to pray for. Hold them in light and good intention. Lastly look at your pinky and focus on giving yourself the same light, love, gratitude and prayer. Is that not an easy way to cover all bases? In this way you start off feeling grateful and positive and with loving kindness in your heart.

Many did not show up because they were sick. I knew that might be the case with the flu running rampant. To all of you who are sick............get better soon !!!

My rash is almost 100% gone. It flared a little last night but now I have a low grade fever. So I will keep an eye on that. I never get fevers but when I do they stink. Low grade I can handle. My temp runs around 97.4 so 99.3 seems high to my body but good to feel warm because it is still damp and cool. I am resting this weekend so we are ready for Thanksgiving. PT went well too and I can surely feel it. I like to go and always feel I have accomplished something. My life has been so sedentary it is great to move energy and build muscles. After a few weeks I work on cardio. I love my PTs Claudia and Carol, both fabulous and understand lupus and all I have going on.It is rare !!!They are angels.

Rash seems to be going away or is masked by meds?

The full body armor of hives is gone and no more allergic reaction at this time. I did get a slight fever yesterday but it went with the rash. The only thing I can think of is we ate some fish that could have been tainted with something? Or who knows what. I looked like a huge red dot and itched like crazy. I slept all day yesterday or watched TV and rested.

I can not complain because so many have the flu. Two people have said they can not make the lupus program tonight, including the co-facilitator. Sad too because it is our last meeting and nurse Ogden is doing a session on de-stressing over holiday season. I was hoping everyone could attend. I have some snacks to take and one of the patients mom's is bringing beverages. I have ordered some sweet and savory snacks from "Stars Cafe"(if you have not been do try it..in west gate center Jackson rd.). It is a local Middle Eastern restaurant down the street that makes the best meat and spinach pies and pastry. So everyone will be rewarded for coming out in the damp cold and driving so far for this course and all the past 5 courses thus far. Dale and I were going to cook food but with my day at hospital yesterday and her with flu we had to think on our feet. Back up plans and being prepared has always been good for me. I always have a back up plan.

By the way......Thank You Angel who sent the surprise check. You have assisted me in perusing my passion for being of service and helping others while doing good for myself. Thank you so much whoever you are. Angels come in all packages !!!!

An unexpected trip to the Dr.'s-hosiptal

Well just when I feel great something comes along. It is a minor blip on the radar screen. yesterday am I awoke with a horrible-itchy rash. I had been feeling extremely fatigued, ached and had a sore throat with a dry cough but no fever etc. I wondered if i ate something but I could not put my finger on anything unusual in my diet or routine. So after PT it kind of went away. I had taken benodryl and thought it was leaving my system. Then I took a 3 hour nap and awoke still very tired but the rash was still slight. We had a power outage form noon till 9 pm so I did not look in the mirror until I awoke at 4 am itching and found huge hives all over my body. I took two more benodryl and went back to sleep. Then at 8 am I looked in the mirror and it was much worse. It even had a strange pattern like I was scrathec in some areas or there is a straight line of rash in one area and just a patch of hives on another. Weird right? Then I started feeling worse and called Dr who said come in right away. He looked at it and ran a bunch of labs and took urine but truly we still have no idea what I am having an allergic reaction to. I thought it could be shingles but he did not seem to think that. If it is something I have been taking and just created and antibody to then it could cause this or the thought occurred I could be allergic to the bone graft material they put in hip??? No answers and I have a slight fever. I will remain resting so I can make it to therapy in am and our last education-support program is tomorrow eve, I have food to take and want to be there !!!! More benodryl is all he said to do and wait to see what happens.

Miracles do happen

I have to share something that happened which made me feel optimistic about human kind and the collective good. I recently received, with gratitude, a notice via email that someone wanted to give me gift of money anonymously through a notable and legit organization called "Giving Anonymously". They have been on TV news shows and received great press so far. I checked them out and they are legit. Started by a couple in Bellingham, Washington, an idea was born to give people money, when in need or just because, but with out them knowing who gave it. There might be a person in your community struggling or a woman who wants to start a business to support her children etc. This couple had given a gift to someone in this way and they saw the good that came of it and formed this organization. It is not for profit. Anyone can use their secret gifting service. I was skeptical but I emailed back saying "Yes"! they could send me the check. A week later I got a check from them for X amount(secret) in a hand addressed-stamped envelope with their logo. It is a real check. They ask me to call an 800 number to confirm I got it and to leave a Thank You message for the gifter. I did so. I still have no clue who or why I got this gift but it was extremely generous and all in good timing. Thank you whoever you are from the bottom of my heart.

The story does not end here. I decided I would use half of the money for my needs, bills etc. and will donate the other half. I have two organizations I like to give to. I will donate in honor of my nieces and nephews(Doug and I have a ton) for their Christmas presents because they have too much stuff and I like to instill "giving or tithing" into their holiday tradition. I was not going to be able to anything for them this year. I already made all my adult gifts from the garden herb infused(vinegars,vodka,oils,chutney etc). So that gift took care of holiday giving for me and also will go to The Heifer Foundation and Dr.'s Without Borders. You can check them out on the web. I always give to Heifer as you can really do something with just $10.00. They help families, especially women, in impoverished circumstances, in America and all over the world, to start a home grown agri-business by purchasing livestock for them to use to sell eggs, yarn, milk, cheese, yogurt etc. and when they get baby animals they are supposed to donate a pair to another family in the same situation, thus paying it forward. In this way they feed their families and support neighbors. This raises the entire community economically and personally. "Teach a man to fish he will eat forever".

I am not done yet........I challenge each of you to send Heifer or any organization which "pays it forward" $10.00 dollars. I want you to email and post where you gave. You don't have to give your name but my goal is to inspire the true meaning of this holiday season and in return help people learn how to feed themselves, educate their children, receive medical care etc. Please join me is this. Donate in honor of someone you love. Let's see if we can generate $500.00 in donations by the end of the year. Maybe your company matches donations? Ask them. If you can only give $5.00 that is great too or if you can give $1,000 it is wonderful. Do it for goodness sake. I challenge you.

I had my first field trip outing with my girlfriends yesterday. My dear friend Mary M. had a few of us over for brunch. Kitty picked me up and Douglas came back for me 3 hours later. We ate tasty food, drank a bloody mary and mimosa and laughed, cried and enjoyed a cool day in a warm home filled with love. Three of us recovering from surgery and needed to get get out and about. Thank you Mary for hostessing. I came home and slept two hours. Wearing the brace for three hours while sitting invited a pain pill but now I feel great pain wise. Just wait until PT starts in am. Ouchy!!!!

My nephew-niece in law and soon to be baby boy are doing great at home. She has not birthed yet which is good. Also we are going to spend T-Day with grandma Gross if she feels good that day. Dad is planning to take her to Popa's memorial early in the day and we will take food or he will bring her here. Just need to be with her and family. The Gross; family is very small at this point and it is rare we are all together. We will miss out other family and friends but it feels right.

On Pain.......People ask me how much pain I am in and so forth. my answer is this:" It does hurt and it was an intense surgery. my body needs months to fully recover and heal. I rarely need to take anything but when I do I take the meds so I can stay active and move forward. Night time is rough still.Too many pillows to prop me up, ankle booties to protect heels,have to get up a move due to stiffness and legs cramping and my body aches in other areas so there is that. I do what I can to get comfy and I sleep very deep. I am very tired all the time and fall asleep while ready or watching TV. I know this is when the body heals the most. At times I feel I could stay in bed all day but my body has to move and stretch.So all the healing is in prefect timing. One month from today I was under the knife, body contorted and moved into positions which seem impossible. I still find strange bruises. The tenderness is all there but I can feel it getting better. When the pain gets to level 5 I tale my meds and lay on hot pad. Then I go into coma sleep. Whine!!!

My nephew's wife is in labor too early

Pray that my nephew Caleb and his wife Holly can keep the baby inside the womb until Wed. which will be 36 weeks. She is dilated and effaced but the contractions stopped. All second hand info but I just wanted to get us all praying for this little boy to wait a little longer.

We had the best roasted chicken and vegetables last night for dinner with chard and collards from garden. Then for dessert we popped corn and put nutri yeast and seaweed on it and it was fantastic. Orville Redembakers natural white popcorn yummo. I was licking my fingers. I cooked too. I am back in the kitchen and it feels so good. The walker actually comes in handy to carry items from fridge to stove and sink etc.

Happy Friday everyone !!!! For those of you who go to the Lupus education Program do not forget next Thursday is our last one and Dale and I are bringing food. Bring your own beverage. We will probably just have water.

I'm Free !!!

I am officially free form home nursing which means I can go out for breakfast and grocery shopping with my hubby and I can start PT next week, if they can squeeze me in. My therapists schedule's are booked. I may have to see a new therapist for a week or so. I have six weeks of PT with leg brace and walker.

Today Douglas and I got up not so early, went for breakfast to a diner that has a Mediterranean dish with eggs-spinach-feta-tomato-cucumber and olives "pit in" served with pita and they have very good hash browns and corned beef hash. Cheap too !! So we ate and ran errands, had to give blood for labs(twice a week now). We went to Trader Joes and Meijer's and bought a van load of food staples and some prep for holidays. I think we were gone for 4 hours. I was so happy to be out and about. I wore my mask at the lab and used a ton of anti-bacterial lotion. Do not want to get sick. I forgot how much I love to grocery shop and how patient my hubby can be when I drag him along. He is not a shopper. So all went quite well and I feel like I took one huge step towards freedom. Maybe next week I will attempt to drive? Only after PT tells me I am able.

I want to share a new and very hopeful drug to be on the market soon, we hope, for lupus. It has gone through three trials using humans and is now waiting to see if it can apply with the FDA as an approved treatment specifically for Lupus. It would be the first drug for lupus that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA)would approve in 2010—in more than 50 years. Right now only steroids and aspirin(which is rarely used for severe lupus) are approved. Other treatments and medications are used for lupus but not FDA approved specifically for the disease, therefore always considered experimental. Cellcept, Imuram, Plaquenal, anti-inflammatory meds of all sorts and Cytoxan are used to treat the disease, yet are not FDA approved. This creates insurance issues,not to mention they are cytoxic immunosuppresives which create huge risk of infection and long term devastating side effects. To have one future medication targeted at treating lupus is a huge mile stone that I knew I would see before 2112. I have participated in trials of similar medications which did not cut the mustard. This looks very promising. Check this site out....http://www.hgsi.com/latest/human-genome-sciences-and-glaxosmithkline-announce-full-presentation-at-acr-of-positive-phase-3-study-results-for-benlysta-in-systemic-lupus-erythema.html

Enjoy the evening !!!!

OK no more chain emails...

I sent out a chain recipe exchange and was understandably told by most that they do not do chains. I normally do not either and usually ask people not to even send to me. BUT I am bored here people. Have some sympathy for the babe who is on lock down. I will not send anymore out but the ones who did respond I want to say Thank You and I have got a few great recipes. I am starting a web page, not up yet, called www.freakinrecipes.com. This should offer a bit of humor to cooking and I am inviting you to send me your favorite recipes with your full name attached so I can give you props. I do not know who knows this, it is no secret, that I have been working on a book. The book is a memoir of sorts, shared experiences and my life with lupus and everything else that inspired me but it also revolves around what else? FOOD-GARDENING. This is a natural. So I invite you to send me your favorite or family recipes and I will make sure you get full credit. Funny stories can go along with too. My loved ones are part of me so it makes sense to have you part of the book. No bad or negative stuff just the good and uplifting with some medical information which may not be comfortable to read but will offer insight as to what us lupies go through just to survive and thrive. It will of course have a section about my mom and her life with lupus and it's early ending and how the unusual childhood, to say the least, shaped me too. Food has always been a big part of that.I hope you participate.

Must go but more later because I have some very good news !!! My friend Renee is here to give me a massage. What an angel.

On gratitude and appreciation

I had a wonderful conversation with Nina about the difference between gratitude and appreciation. Her view, which makes sense to me, is that gratitude it a feeling of overcoming a negative emotion and arriving at the other side(my words). One has to feel gratitude well up deep inside their soul and is a great feeling to have. All of life's lessons can be seen clearly through the eyes of gratitude. Appreciation, on the other hand, is a state of grace in some ways as one is able to move about the world with a new set of glasses where all of life can be appreciated. I would imagine if we all appreciated the world around us it would naturally be a better place. I aspire to feel that sense of ultimate appreciation for life's challenges equally with it's blessings. Sometimes the biggest challenges become our greatest blessing and if we can appreciate that then we have entered a state of grace for a moment. It is a thought to ponder. True appreciation would be void of judgment. To appreciate is to see and love the beauty of that which is being appreciated. So tell someone who you truly appreciate just how much they mean to you. It will make you both feel great ! I appreciate everyone who reads this blog and I feel gratitude for the ability to write in this way.

found these recipes..My mom's version of lasagna

This is a great meal for fall. It utilizes the abundance of cauliflower and a hearty lasagna which can be prepred easily for a simple yet filling meal. I do cut way back on cheese and use smashed tofu to replace some of the cheese. The bread needs a day to make total but that is mostly time to rise. The actual amount of time you work with the dough is five minutes or so. It is a no-knead bread and oh so tasty. Enjoy!

My Mother's Lasagna…EASY!!! and very different from what we are used to. By Pam Gross

Meat Filling (If you are vegetarian/vegan substitute tofu for cheese and TVP/soysause or veggies for meat)
½ lb. ground sausage
½ ground beef
¾ cup chopped onion
minced garlic clove
1 Tbsp fresh chopped parsley
½ Tbsp each: basil & oregano
1 6-oz. Can tomato paste
Cheese filling
½ cup each: cottage cheese & ricotta cheese
1 egg
¼ cup Parmesan cheese
The rest of the equation
2 cans crescent dinner rolls
sliced or shredded mozzarella cheese
1 Tbsp. milk
1 Tbsp. sesame seeds
1. In a large skillet brown meat, drain. Add remaining meat filling ingredients. Simmer 5 mins.
2. Combine the cheese filling ingredients and set aside.
3. Unroll can of dinner rolls. Lay it out on a baking sheet. Press the seams together so it is one big piece. Spread half of the meat filling down the center leaving a one inch gap from the edge of the dough. Pour cheese filling on top. Then add the remaining meat filling on top of the cheese. Lay the mozzarella on top of the meat filling. Open the second can of rolls and lay it over the top. Again, pinching the seams shut. Pinch the top and bottom dough together to form an enclosed loaf.
4. Brush the top with milk and shake sesame seeds over the top.
5. Bake at 375? oven for 20-25 minutes until golden brown.


Baked Cauliflower:
Pre-heat oven 400 degrees
One head broken into bite size chunks (de-cored)
grease a cookie sheet with canola oil just to cote bottom
Spread out cauliflower and salt-pepper to taste
Sprinkle a Tbs. of oil over top and toss to coat
Bake for 20 minutes turning once or twice
Take out and place in bowl
Add Tbs. fresh lemon juice and Tbs plus capers(small or large) and a tab of butter
Toss well and add more seasonings for your taste and serve hot

The Easiest Bread Recipe
This recipe was from New York Times a while back and has been handed down to me from many hands. I can barely read the copy but the recipe works and it can be amended to add a variety of seasonings and other stuff. I have arthritis and gave up baking bread due to lack of ability to knead. This is a non-knead bread. Anything which is un-needy is good for me.
Mix 3 cups all purpose or half wheat and half white organic flour together in a glass bowl with quarter tsp. active dry yeast and one and quarter tsp. sea salt. Add 1 5/8 cups water and mix until it looks well blended and sticky. Cover with plastic warp and let sit in calm-warm spot for 12-18 hours.
When the surface of dough is bubbly it is ready to gently roll into a ball lightly for a few seconds with extra flour for hands and cover again 15 minutes. Then through flour on a kitchen dish towel (non terry) and roll the dough into your floured hands rolling it into itself forming a ball which will sit on the towel folded end facing down for another 2 hours lightly floured on top and covered with floured towel.
Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees a half hour before baking. Place dough in a well greased casserole dish by gently allowing it to roll off towel into dish. No messing with it will form up when it cooks.
Bake for 30 minutes covered then 20 minutes not covered.
Viola……………Fresh bread. Best left out on wooden cutting board to crust over.

Enjoy....................

Thinking about the big T-Day. My favorite holiday!

Ideas on meals, food and entertaining……..

As we would love to experience the ability to spend luxurious days and endless evenings growing, raising, nurturing, harvesting and preparing our own meals while looking fabulous and staying fit…………it is an ominous and almost impossible goal for today’s adults, one which I have been blessed to actually attempt yet failed. I spent hours growing, planning, executing and enjoying my own creative recipes for myself, husband and loved ones. I even attempted a few careers in the food industry……….It is great when money, time and energy allow the old world food values on which we were once raised to follow. Those days are few and far between when we actually plan and create nightly and even weekly family meals that do not include fast food or packaged food alternatives to the real deal. Few are the meals we share together with those whom we love. The one connecting bond families and friends once shared is a challenge for even the most culinary geniuses and multi-taskers. I consider myself a good gardener and cook with a knack of bringing people together in a moment of bonding and eating. What is missing is the ability to do it fully……..all parties involved. Thanksgiving is a day devoted to just this, with gratitude.

First we must find a date on the calendar, Thanksgiving, for the chosen group of people to come together, break bread, sip wine and enjoy one others company. Then the menu plan ensues based on what is fresh and in season that week or day in the garden and at market OR food we have "put up' during the growing season. One must be open to adapting recipes when certain foods are not available. Then the right occasion must be matched to the event (holiday, birthday etc) which then sets the theme, location and attire. After invitations are sent and RSVP's received the planning and list making begins. Each person brings one thing to share. There is always one person who is good for store bought flowers, bread, wine or candles which is equally as desired as a dish, yet I love it when each person prepares a specialty of their own. It is fun to taste little bites of many tasty morsels, share recipes and tricks. It is a strong bond we share.

Shopping and budget are the most challenging. Inevitably two or three people will be unable to attend and one person will bring an unexpected guest so I plan for a little extra. "Weather"? I have had dinners postponed for two hours due to heavy rain storms and have given different times to guests, answering the door in my PJ's with a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. That is when good advanced prep is a blessing. The pre-made platters of appetizers and bowls of olives and nuts are ready to set out with a variety of wine glasses ready for the pick of the guest. Sometimes dog friends enter in a flurry, tails wagging, wet paws spoiling white carpet, but hey, we have to include our furry friends. After all gather usually one hour past the pre set dinner time we begin the line to the kitchen. People grab a chair or stand and chat, of course right in the kitchen where the cook is working while glasses flow with lots of laughs, musical changes and always a sigh when everyone feels full and happily satisfied. On occasion we have been known to experience complete silence. That is a good thing. It is the goal of every home cook and most restaurant chefs; that moment of pure delight and exhalations. I also like having paper and pen available to exchange recipes. When ultimate gastronomic bliss has left us in an altered state and conversation is flowing I can sit back and enjoy watching my husband washing dishes and dishing the dirt after another well planned event pulled off like a pro. Coffee anyone?

Lamb Ragout

Oh My Goodness!!! yes we had a slow and low cooled lamb ragout (Ragu') last night with a jar of heirloom tomato-zucchini sauce I made this summer from our garden and herbs from garden. Cooked a large lamb steak, bone in with marrow, in my clay pot on 250 for 3 hours. Then baked a butternut from garden and mashed it with spices and butter and a tad of maple syrup. Add sauteed broccoli and you have a party in your mouth. Doug said I should write down what I make and create recipes but I cook with intuition and do not write down or measure. It was really good !!!!

Another beautiful day. People out working in the yard. I may have to go for a short walk around the yard(flat areas) just to move energy and get fresh air. I am still in PJ's though. I did not feel so hot this am. Stomach-bowel issues. I think it is calm now but I am taking it easy. The neighbor almost across the street is having his 4th barn sale. How much stuff can one sell. I looked a few weeks ago and it was mostly junk. "One man's junk is another man's treasure". He did have some nice furniture but definitely used. There are many people stopping by and checking it out.

Gotta go dad and Mary just pulled up on the motorcycle. Great day for a ride.

60 degrees and sunny?

What a difference a day makes. It is beautiful outside. Doug's doing the last of leaves and I am working in office and cooking. Yes I am cooking. I can get around quite well now in the house and will be free from home nursing and coumadin (blood thinner to avoid clotting after surgery) on Wednesday. Then I am free to be out and about with walker and brace except for protecting myself from the dreaded pandemic. I can not believe how much fear is out there about the flu. The flu has been around for years. Yes people have died in the past and present but the majority of the people infected have a week of feeling weak, nausea, some have diarrhea, body aches and general "sick feeling" but after a week they said they felt fine with ginger ale,Tylenol and chicken soup. So....is it realistic to have people lined up out in the cold rain for five hours, those at highest risk, to get a flu shot? Why does this not make sense? Too many of the people in line are already infected and too many get sick from standing in the cold rain. I will stay home and use all precautions. I am not a candidate for vaccination and would not want it of I could get it. I have never been a fan. Pneumonia or tetanus vac yes. Flu shot NO. Especially live virus. Even my Dr.'s say only do non live virus. Oregano oil can help fight off the H1N1. That is my own personal belief. Too many get sick after the shot and some have died from the shot or at least soon after receiving it. It has not been tested enough in my opinion. I am blessed to have the ability to avoid public. I understand why people who are at risk get it. It is just my own deal.Anything which could challenge or turn on my immune system is not good for me.

Douglas took me for a ride in the car while he ran a few quick errands. It felt good to breath fresh air and see the world outside my bubble. While parked a woman hit the back bumper trying, operative word "Trying", to park. It was two older ladies and she saw me get out of the van to look at the damage. Luckily none found but she had the audacity to wave me away. She sushed me. I just smiled and gave her a thumbs up. She never got out of the car or looked at the possible damage. "Funny people tricks". There is a home UM game today so cars from all over and people driving like maniacs. Ann Arbor is not your regular town when it comes to driving. You can turn left at a one way street during a red light, 4 way stops work great when everyone follows the rules, people do not block driveways or parking lot exits and usually do let drivers into merging traffic, pedestrians always come first and there are many bikers-walkers-runners to be aware of. It is an unspoken language amongst Ann Arborites to drive polite. So we know when there is a game, aside from the flags and UM paraphernalia, by the way people drive. "Go Blue" !!!!

You have to be a rocket scientist...............

You have to be a rocket scientist to figure out the new Blue Cross Blue Shield part D and Prescription blue plan "explanation of benefits" 2010 booklets for those of us on Medicare. How do elderly people read the small print in two volumes of booklets understand what it is saying and for what they are paying? It is so darn confusing. I am in the medical arena and I have a hard time. Then try to get a person on the phone to explain.....ha! That is a whole other issue. It should not be so difficult. We should be able to understand the rules and regulations of our policies and what exactly we are signing up for in a way a normal human brain can decipher with out a magnifying glass. I know many elderly folks who never signed up for a supplemental insurance to medicare because they did not understand all the options. So they pay way more than they should for medical care and drugs, and they have no help with their 20% co-pay, which is high for Medicare participants. My medical expenses are so high I could rent a house for what I pay out of pocket. I count ALL medical expenses(vitamins, supplements, natural medicine, body care, the medications my plan will not cover, which the list of uncovered meds grows every year, (most of what I take) and for my co-pays. It adds up. Then I pay the monthly premiums which come to about $300 per month for me for Medicare, supplemental with BCBS and the Drug plan. I am not complaining because I have coverage and I need it. I already had two hip replacements this year alone and a shoulder replacement last year, plus many visits to emergency and a few stays in the hospital for lupus related issues, home nursing, chemo-infusions, antibiotic infusions, and all the Dr.'s and specialists I see. Eyes and dental not covered!! I am blessed and have excellent care. I just wish there was a way for regular people to understand exactly what their options are in a simple way and how much it will cost-save in the long run. Keep in mind there is information and assistance on the internet but many elderly and sick folks do not have access or the energy to spend hours on the computer. Any ideas?

So winter is here for sure now; maybe. Douglas likes the heat(desert rat). I awoke last few mornings to a toasty house. The solar panels were reading 100 today and the outside temp now is around 45-48 degrees. We have not started using the main wood stove yet. Usually we wait until after Thanksgiving but maybe earlier this year.
More leaves fall and almost all are gone and another leaf clearing day will happen next few days. The ground is again covered in yellow maple leaves and we can see through the woods. Just in time for hunting season. I can hear the shooting practice already echoing through the fields and woods surrounding our home.

My friend-neighbor Jennifer came over for a girls evening last night. We sat in the dining-family room as the sun went down with our glass of wine and appetizers. It was great to spend some girlfriend time and to get to know her better. The more I know the more I like, respect and admire. I enjoy growing a friendship. Especially one who lives two houses away. Most of my friends live all over the states and Costa Rica. I have a dream to get them all together one day under one roof. Look out mates..................it could get crazy. The last girls vacation I had was the most relaxing vacation I ever had for 4-5 days at the beach in the fall. It was perfect. Too chilly to swim but warm enough to walk the beach and hang out on the large wrap around porch overlooking the Atlantic on one side and the canal on the other. I have Brigid's artwork to show for that one!!

Healing is really speeding up. I feel better every day and stronger. I am on the up curve. BP a little too high and a tad of a urinary infection probably from the catheter. Always happens when I have a catheter. But my kidney Dr. is on it and gave the sample today. No big deal. I have antibiotics for it. I am so happy with how everything is going thus far. I count the blessings in dozens.

Be well !!! and have a great weekend.

To fear or not to fear ????

Fear was a topic of conversation for Douglas and I yesterday. I watched an Oprah show (don't laugh) and she had four women "step out of their box" and comfort zone which meant facing their fears. They jumped out of an air plane, skinny dipped in the ocean in public-on camera(nudity shots not shown on TV) and they learned how to roller blade for a day and played a professional roller derby game. After-wards they discussed fear and how it holds us back from the incredibly strong women we know ourselves to be deep down in the depths of our soul. Why do we then stop ourselves cold in our tracks when we are faced with those things we fear? It is something I have thought a lot about in the past.

Fear is a good thing when it protects us from real danger. It is intuition and physiology working hand in hand to wake us up to an impending danger. When we are truly in tune with our inner voice we can use this as a tool to keep ourselves safe and sound. When we allow our inner voice to be quieted or we numb ourselves and this voice does not come through. Anxiety takes it's place. Then anxiety turns into a neurotic tendency we fill ourselves with because we lost touch with our intuition. At this point fear takes over in ways that are unreasonable.

This unreasonable fear is of what I speak. This stops us form living life to it's fullest. I asked myself what my greatest fear is. The only thing I could come up with is fear of something happening to Douglas or someone I love. I have faced my fears up to this point. I naturally feel fear when I am getting ready to step on a copper head, find myself lost in downtown Detroit in an area I should not be or I am swimming in the ocean and a shark appears. But the fear of heights, flying, swimming in dark lakes, sleeping in the jungle, the dark, going alone for a moonlight walk or kayak ride, hand gliding,traveling alone, getting sick, surgery, riding fast motorcycles, skinny dipping or any fear one may have has been pretty much erased. Now I do get fearful in the car if I am not driving and there seems to be an crazy driver or the road conditions are bad...........so I guess I do have a fear of car accidents, but it is all I can think of at the moment. Maybe all I have gone through with lupus and as a kid with a sick mom and spending so much time alone I have learned to be a warrior. Always a Tom Boy and daredevil. Risk taking comes naturally yet now I am more cautious and smarter about the kinds of risks I am willing to take. I have seen too many people get hurt and too many lives ruined by one stupid risk. Especially as I grow older and realize there are others who suffer when one get's hurt while taking a risk. Responsibility is my mantra.

The type of fear which grips people in a deadlock and will not let go is something I encourage everyone to face head on. If it is heights you should get on top of the safest highest point near you and get over it or jump from a plane. If yo afraid of someone seeing your body...go running naked down a beach and laugh the entire time for the nut case you appear to be. Let yourself jump outside your box. Dance the polka, play an accordion on main street, dive into the lake in early fall, sing karaoke in front of strangers, take a small risk................get your freak on and let it shine!!! Then you can have a good belly laugh and know life is supposed to be fun and risks are meant to happen in order for us to grow. Think of Amelia flying her plane across the Atlantic and what a rush that must have been. The first time I went hand gliding I was like a kid riding a bike for the first time. No jitter bugs at all just pure joy and laughter. I had to know I could do it. It was the best gift I ever gave myself. Share with me how you stepped out of your fear zone and what gifts came from the experience.

Oh Renee came over Tuesday and gave me an incredible massage and energy work. I feel so much better. I laid on my stomach for the first time and this sore back side was at ease. She rocks !!! I also sleep now with out the large foam triangle pillow and am sleeping with two pillows strategically placed to support and protect my hip-legs. I can also sleep on side with the pillows between my legs. So flippin fabulous. The simple things make a huge difference.

Surgery was 2 weeks today...WOW

Time flies for sure and in a blue haze too while on these pain meds. I am slowly taking less every day but it hurts more than last one. I think my other joints which are over compensating are hurting more too. I feel very swollen and tight with lots of tender spots. Today the nurse said my blood pressure was high, which it was, as I take it daily and today I peaked too from the pain. I went 8 hours with out pain meds and let it get too intense. Part of me just hates popping pills but I am grateful for them when needed. Itchiness,constipation, foggy brain and all. The upside is I sleep deep for the most part. I have to lie on my back and sleep with a triangle shaped large foam "pillow" between my legs which has straps to strap me in, ensuring I do not move or cross legs or dislocate hip. I don't use the straps. I am not a back sleeper and my heels go numb-ache and ankles swell and hurt really bad. I have to get up several times a night to move and rub the sore spots. I can lay on my good side for a few minutes with the pillow-wedge between my legs and other support pillows. I can not wait to sleep on my side again. OK enough complaining.

A cold front is blowing in and they are calling for snow throughout the week mixed with rain. This happened last November too. We did not get our leaves up due to an unseasonably cold and wet-snowy month. Douglas got most of the leaves up today but there are still 5 maples with leaves. Oh well. We do the best we can. Some just stay over the winter and act as mulch !!

We had a nice visit with the folks yesterday. Mary brought Bee Bim Bop and we chowed down. Dad drove up on his new Harley. Yes I said that right. The Ducati was too uncomfortable and BMW too. He said this is his old man bike and Mary can ride on the back, which she loves to do. His Ducati friends are giving him a hard time. He sold his Triumph too. Now he just has the Rukus, scooter and Harley. I look forward to going on a ride this spring. Maybe a weekend up north? We travel well together and I love to ride. Last summer I would go over and take his Rukus for a ride around their woods but not on the road. The old days of being able to ride by myself are gone but I can be a side rider.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend and I even walked down to the garden with the walker. I was amazed at how much is growing. Not after tonight though. Doug picked a lot of herbs and greens. Time to let it go to the earthworms for winter. I hope you all had a good weekend too!! More later in the week. Nap time.

Passing the time

Maybe I am in a time warp but it has been much easier for me this round to be home bound and inactive. I am enjoying reading, napping, doing little odd projects in my office or cleaning out drawers. I am getting caught up on some magazines which I won because my air miles ran out so they sent me magazines instead. I am trying to read a novel but it is going very slow. I think I am looking for the perfect read which is not fiction yet has some interesting storyline. I have to get hooked on a book to finish it. My friend is sending 'Lacuna' by Barbara Kingslover which is supposed to be really good. I also want to read a book dad has(about food) of course, I think it's called "Eating"??. I read the first chapter at the lake before surgery and it was about a true story of a food writer who, on this night, was hanging out with Mario Battali and they go through many pieces of "Lardo"(fat) and a case of wine. Hard core for sure. Fall brings out the cook in me more so than any other season. It is the slow and low aromas which fill the home and heart with anticipation of what is to come melting in my mouth. It's odd coming from a skinny chick but I have put on some weight. It's comfortable although we will keep an eye on that for sure. With little exercise and movement I do not want to get into poor shape. I even try doing a lot of deep breathing throughout day and night. I have one of those breathing aspirators they give you in the hospital which is good. By end of December I plan to be back into PT full throttle. For now the small steps are good. Manga !!!

Mary M. stopped by yesterday and made some wonderful smelling soup I have not eaten yet. She is such a sweetie. I love to see her smiling face. Quite an inspiration to me as so many of you are. Dale especially right now. Douglas and I went to see her Friday and Douglas took her sweet dog "Annie" for a walk while Dale and I compared battle wounds. As I was leaving the hospital two weeks ago she was entering. All is good now. Us warrior woman have to stick together.

Douglas feels good enough now (he has not been feeling too good-sympathy pains he says) to work in the studio with us having walkie talkies. I am stable enough to move about and even took my first shower ALONE last night!!!! Now that is accomplishment and a service to human kind if you get my gist. Then we ate lamb ragu from a local farmer with smashed tators and collards. We watched Bram Stocker's "Dracula". No Halloweeners. The whole street was dark except the reflection of the almost full moon against the foggy sky. The yellow leaves appeared white as if it had snowed. Stunning really. Now most leaves have fallen and our neighbor is cutting and blowing one of our maple tree's leaves back into our yard. It has been raining so too wet to blow.

Doug and Dad are going to Grandma's Tuesday to replace concrete driveway and repair a crack going into the basement. That means cleaning out the basement too and getting all Popa's tools and "stuff" out. They will take what they can use and donate the rest. Popa was a pack rat. No telling what they will find. Grandma too. She keeps sending me old articles and jokes she cut out of the paper 20-30 years ago.
I think she is still wrapping her head around her loss. She is walking down memory lane and still not leaving the house much. I wish there was more we would do but she has to heal on her own time. All I can do is listen.

Today Doug's also going to harvest the garden. It is going to get cold this week so we will take what is left and freeze or give away what we can not eat. My friend Renee may come tomorrow and pick some too and give me some much needed body work. I hope the carrots, beets,turnips and radishes keep growing under straw. We made the kale pesto and that is the ticket for saving kale. It will last 6-8 weeks in fridge with no cheese, or you can freeze. Great on pasta, as a spread or in soup. Dad and Mary are coming for a late lunch early dinner later today with Bell Diner's famous "Bee Bim Bop". So I better get up and do my exercises. Lots of love...............