Balancing Act

Well what can I say....? Some days are good and others, well, are not quite as great. The last few days I have been feeling punky and painful. I guess this old body deserves a respite. So I shall concede and rest. It seems I itch too much for most medicinal pain control ( bone and joint pain, toes, arthralgia) When one endures a certain steady level of pain over a period of time the body's sensory receptors are over sensitized and can cause a phenomena similar to deferred pain. At the same time Fibromyalgia can set in the muscles due to tension etc. This in return can cause blood pressure to rise, anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, lack of appetite and string of run off issues which is normal for a body in need of some relief. I experienced this lately and will be staying home and resting as directed by Dr.'s and my own common sense. "Ask, believe and receive". I cancelled a very important trip knowing it would disappoint others and cause concern for Douglas......but one does what one needs to do.

I realized I have been very analytical and sensible for the past year with what exactly I am dealing in relation to the bones and the long term affects of lupus and medications, especially steroids. The future reality is surgeries up the yin yang and lots of PT. The steroids are the devils maker with angels wings. I have been flying on the wings of denial for the future which could lie ahead and placing my head and heart in hope and wishful thinking of sorts. I know one thing for sure is that one must first accept and love themselves right where they are before a healing can occur. I have been fighting the acceptance and not liking my body or the drugs that kept it alive for their betrayals. Why does this body reject itself? Why is it the only drugs that help cause even more damage? Who the hell knows. All I know is I am coming to terms with a devastating and yet miraculous situation which forces me to care and love these old bones and the frame which holds it all together even more than before. I am becoming gentle with myself in ways that may seem indulgent or selfish. I am OK with that. I am becoming OK with not being a super woman. I have learned, reluctantly kicking and screaming, to ask for help when needed and to accept when "no" might be the answer. Perhaps I was afraid to ask because in the way in the past I was disappointed, abandoned and forced to learn how to rely on and take care of myself from a very very young age. Not since I met Douglas have I been completely able to accept the tender care which he so graciously gives. I have a supportive family and friends who are just waiting for me to ask. And so now with Douglas working on a project I am forced to ask for help once again from family and friends, fellow patients and even neighbors. Hard for a caregiver as myself. I have also been inspired by many other woman who share this disease, some worse off and some better, yet they all offer seeds of wisdom.


I tell you all this because the martyr syndrome will harm you. All negative emotions manifest in physical form. I am not saying disease is always self inflicted, but I am saying that the chances of having a whole and healthy life depends greatly on the perspective of healthy mind and spirit of the individual. This responsibility is huge. I accept it and embrace it with open arms as this is my greatest lesson. Lupus has taught this to me in the wildest of ways........what a ride !!! I have been meditating, visualizing, replacing drugs with natural therapies, yoga, praying, exercising, positive thinking, eating great and doing all the good things one can do for over 20 years now but missed this one link....."asking !!! receiving !!!" and so I leave you with this insight for all of us on a path of self discovery, enlightenment and human growth......Do not be afraid to give and receive equally. Be gentle with yourself and others. Always love first. Eliminate judgment and anger. Face fear and let it go. Look in the mirror every day and say "I love you just as you are". Feel blessed for every breath and always share your kindness unconditionally. Let everyone you love know it daily. Accept, feel and know all is well and perspective is everything. Most important of all....Forgive yourself if you feel your body has betrayed you. Forgiveness leads to love and leads to healing, seen and unseen. Here lies miracles. This is divine !!!!
"To forgive is divine"

On a good note.....our garden is feeding the masses and full of vibrant life, we have had rain for days, the water level is back up and summer is in full swing in the great north. Oh....and we are alive !!!
Lovingly
Angela