"Super profundo on the eve of your new year"

This is my version of a quote from one of my favorite Indy movies called "The waking life". This movie spoke to a time in my own life when I was obsessed with contemplation, prayer and meditation. The movie was a meditation on contemplative thought in a big way. Douglas and I watched it several times, mostly while I was in the hospital and the lap top movies were my only form of entertainment beyond friends, family and the occasional hospital escapades, which never cease to create a laugh or two. The quote was about how profound can be our "New day" or "New year", as it is, and how we can separate ourselves from our own "pain" or realities and surf the waves of existential philosophy and "ponderings" of ancient wisdom crossed with pop culture. Yeah it is mouth full. It is a way of telling ourselves to accept the unknown future with a sense of profound understanding and insight. This year especially is one in which to look back with a sense of contemplation, while at the same time looking forward with the wisdom we gained from our mistakes or misgivings.

I would like to think of this new year's eve as the beginning of a whole new way of thinking and acting in a society gone crazy. I do not use that word lightly by the way. I turn on the TV or internet and feel disturbed by the craziness I see before me. It is a whole weird life indeed, waking or dreaming. Even listening to my NPR jazz station can bring in sounds of mental illness from all over the globe right into my own living room. It is one filled with hunger, poverty, pain, war, greed, jealousy, corruption, lawlessness, suffering, unnecessary disease, childhood ills, aging sickness, bombings, global warming or cooling, bad vibes, racism, sexism, narcissism, oppression, religious wars, philosophical challenges, moral corruption, nudity, inflation, recession, profanity, political infighting and a whole bag of negative crap. What I need is to see a new year filled with hope and inspiration. I need to feel the sense of sisterly-brotherly love, peace, goodwill towards all, uplifting spirit, prosperity of the soul and all the goodness we know to be contained within the human soul. It is always amazing to me how we each find a way to drift into celebration on the new year instead of drifting inward to our own contemplation of humankind and kindness. hey...........I am all about" The Party" but it shall be tempered with peace, love and kindness. We can all use a little of this right? Is it not what the great masters and prophets teach? Jesus was not kidding about this !!! Compassion and loving thy neighbor goes hand in hand with turning the other cheek. Have we become so myopic we forgot the original lessons? Did Buddha not see the pain in order to over come and change suffering to gratitude? Yes I believe in this. I do know when I forgive and feel kindness in sight of ugliness I feel a better person for the action. It is with this spirit I move forward while gazing back. I offer up a plateful and champagne glass semi full of peace and goodwill towards all human kind-animal kind and planet.

Happy new year !!!!

"Good Job Hubband"

Well my husband did surely surprise me for my 42nd birthday. It was actually for both our birthday and Christmas presents to each other but he arranged it and kept it a secret which was great !! We started out stopping off at a lovely midtown Detroit Historic Inn on Ferry Street, which in the day was the tops, where we could see all the major museums and Center for Creative Design. We then headed over to the Detroit Institute of Art for the Monet to Dali exhibit plus most of permanent exhibitions. Wonderful to see it after they added the renovation. I had not been in years and he wheeled me around in a chair or I wheeled myself. It was wonderful. We ate lunch in their cafeteria and had a glass of wine before retiring to our room for a short nap and classical music. Very cozy. The driver took us to MGM Grand where we spent the night gambling and people watching, had dinner and were picked up before we turned into pumpkins. They served us breakfast the next morning, which was really good, then we toured around a bit and had one final spin at roulette. What fun !!! Detroit might make it after all. If the weather was nicer we would have stayed for the Eastern Market and Greek Town, but the snow was melting, raining, windy and foggy so we headed home in afternoon and it was 58 degrees. Amazing. last night we were kept awake by power outages, high winds and lots of noise. Dad and Mary still do not have power.

I am pooped from the holidays !! Today is rest day and maybe tomorrow as well. Busy week ahead and it is a perfect rainy day to sleep and read.

Happy New Year to You All!!

"The snow it keeps "a comin"

The snow is not coming down at an inch an hour but it is coming down pretty darn fast. We love it. I just spoke to my grandma in Detroit to tell her we would not be driving to visit until after the storm because there are too many wrecks and she made a comment about how horrible the weather was and I said "Oh but it is so beautiful." Her reply.."I am over it". I guess after 86 years I would be too. I cleared off our cement Buddha and put a wreath at his belly, which is covered by snow. The birds like to sit on his head and poop. Have to keep him clean and in the Christmas spirit and the birdies happy. There are two red headed wood peckers now which are lovely !

I visited with a few girlfriends last night and had a wonderful time. It is so sweet to have small get togethers with gals pals and enjoy a few laughs,good food and conversation. I feel the holiday spirit more so now. I was feeling like a bad cold was moving into my head but I think it is just the wood stove and dryness. It has been cranking out the heat. Our humidifier tank needs replacing and they do not make the part anymore so we just put a pot of water on the wood stove and let it boil. Poor Doogie has to sit right by it because it is in his office. I go down there and sweat my butt off and come into my office-studio and freeze. Oiu!

I still do not know what Doug's surprise birthday "get away" is and I am shocked I have not figured it out yet. The big give away will be when he goes to pack for me. It is only a night or two away so it can not be too far from home. I hope we are able to drive. If not we will be snug at home. Either way is fine by me. dad is making Christmas dinner and he can pick us up in the big truck if it's too icy.

The hospital is having a pre-walk fund raising and Lupus Program meeting January 5th for our committee to start off the new year on the right foot. It will be nice to get a head start for the walk this year. I will be here and will be able to do more too. I was very bad about getting out all my invitations due to our being in Asheville until two weeks before the walk. It was still great. The research is exciting and I should have an update after January 5th when we meet. I hope it involves better treatment options and that we are getting closer to a cure. I am still so pissed that steroids are the main option considering all the bone loss I and others have experienced and continue to experience. At least I am able so far to move about. I know others who can not. We are trying to plan a spring event too in Ann Arbor. With funds tight we have to do smaller events and more regular to keep it affordable and in the news. Many businesses are doing more to help charities now too. One local shoe store has a girl's night out party. You can invite your friends-family to the store where they provide bubbly and appetizers donated by local restaurants and a percentage a shoe sales go to the charity while raising awareness and having fun. It helps us support local business too ! Another restaurant has Thursday Night Chef Wine Tastings and donates $5.00 a head to your charity. Both are no brainer events to plan. Consider doing something for your favorite charity in your town.

Well I have rambled enough today. No new news just a short chat before the big day. If I do not speak to you directly please know we send our love and blessings for a very happy holiday and new year. may peace, prosperity and good health fill your home and heart....and don't forget those who have less..

The Big 10 Snow

It is so lovely here today. We woke up to sun after days of clouds and flurries plus a snow storm yesterday which was long and deep. I think we have about 10 inches total from last weeks snow and yesterdays. Not sure? It looks very deep. Last night around 9 pm the snow plows came by and cleared the drive with enough room now to park a few school buses, but hey, at least I can drive to the store for.........well what else? wine. It is a snowed-in/fire place kind of weekend. Tonight a second blast of a couple more inches will really tuck us in nicely. We missed a Christmas party last night and may miss one tonight in Detroit. I really do not want to miss it but the drive home could be strange and dangerous. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my friend Gary's to smoke two ducks and a chicken. It should be fun. They are soaking in brine.

My grandfather is doing great after his first week post knee replacement. He is actually able to come home for the day from the rehab. I am so glad he is doing extremely well. This is hopeful. My other grandfather is doing better too after months of thinking he was leaving us. He still sleeps all day and does not eat much but my grandmother is happy she has her man.

I am feeling a little nervous about surgery and trying to decide if I have made the right decision. I am supposed to have left hip revised in February but I wonder if I should do my knees first??? I can decide for myself but I feel I need guidance. Unfortunately I have to decide for myself. Dr's can not offer their opinion in this case only offer the facts and let me make the decision. Then sometimes I wonder if I should just not do anything yet since Douglas will be in NC post surgery and i will have to depend on others. If you know me well you will know I do not do the dependent thing very well. I can see me walking up and down the stairs on crutches with a backpack of laundry. Or shoveling the last snow of the season from my wheelchair. I guess part of me wants all joint-bone replacements to be over and the other part of me wants to bury my head in a pillow of denial and hold off until I am forced. It should be an easy decision, but doing it alone makes it tough. Asking for help worse. I never said I was good in that area only better than I used to be. The decision will be made by February 2nd.

Well back to listening to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" on NPR. If you never listen to it try it a couple times. It is great for humor and news information of the week.11:00 am Saturday mornings.

Tiz the season for giving to those who need it most

http://www.strength.org/

You can go to Share Our Strength web site and donate $35.00 to feed one child 3 meals a day for a month. Or donate more to feed more or volunteer. Organize a dining-out event or bake sale. Every little bit helps.

Another one of my favorite organizations is the Hiefer Foundation My family has been donating chickens and other livestock to this wonderful organization instead of giving each other gifts. Not only do they give the animals they also teach the families, especially women, how to make money from say goats milk or eggs. Then the receiving family must donate or gift some of their animals to a needy neighbor or family member and teach them. The animals feed the families and help them earn an income in impoverished areas.

"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for life".

What is a life well lived?

What is a life well lived? This question has plagued me for my entire life. I wonder what whomever first ppondered this question actually meant and what was their answer. I also consider all the people in the world who have a unique view with which to answer this timeless question. You read people's epitaph and it says "They led a life well lived" or you see a movie titled " A life well lived". But what exactly is the measurement for this? It is subjective, of course, but there must be some tools with which to measure whether or not someone had a life which was wasted or one which seemed to be a total success? I ponder this only in the sense I do not want to let time pass with no sense of accomplishment. I certainly do not mean that by a measurement of regular ways and means. I want to say I feel successful in a well lived life if I made someone happy, touched people or inspired them in some way, acknowledged those who inspired and taught me, spent my time somewhat useful, helped my fellow human kind, was good to animals and the planet, lived a life with little foot prints, helped make aware certain issues which needed to be made light filled, "helped many someones in need and accepted help when I was in need, educated myself well, experimented with everything and did everything I wanted to do which caused no harm, traveled as much as possible to learn other cultures and ways, saw beauty in all of life, expressed my feelings in positive ways to those whom I love, loved and cared for my self and this body which is such an amazing gift, spent time with those I love and even strangers and tried to be the best possible person I could be in light of all challenges, speak the truth no matter how hard it may be while knowing when to stay silent, taken time to stop and watch the sunset-moon rise-plant blossom etc., read well, listened well, shared, expanded my sense of comfort, took chances and dared to be myself. There is so much more. The most important of all is that I know for sure I have had a life filled with joy and have spent my life offering compassion and joy. How great and wondrous is that? While many of my cohorts were trying to gain professional success, riches, rewards, fame and fortune I passed it up for experience and other seemingly less important tasks. I guess I never saw the joy in driving an expensive car, wear a fur coat or have my name flashed on the pages of Who's Who". Not that I would turn away from the idea but it was not a marker for me to which to move toward.

Some say it is a blessing and a gift to have a chronic-life threatening illness. I agree !! It really forces one to examine a life which in the past was less examined. It saved my life to be quite frank. I was not moving in a direction I would consider to be successful or fulfilling in the ways which are of importance now. What a process though. This to be continued !!!!!

What a week...photo taken only a month ago

This week carried with it many landmarks and other activities. First off my Sister turned 50 years young. She went kicking and screaming into a new era but her wonderful husband managed to pull off a seamless surprise party. She was completely shocked that he and 75 others were able to keep this a top secret event. When she opened her front door Saturday, after hearing a knock and expecting some immediate family members, she was greeted by 73 friends and family from near and far standing in her yard-drive like the Verizon network. People flew, drove and walked from all over who represented many periods in her life from early child hood to college to present times. I only wish Douglas and I had been there to see her face. The biggest surprise of all was when our eldest brother showed up from England and no one knew. How cool is that?

Second event was that my grandfather, who I also call dad, got his knee replaced on Thursday. He is doing fabulously and is very happy to have this done. He is such an inspiration in so many ways, but especially his youthfulness in his 80's and his rock solid mental capacity. Good genes for sure.

My father turned 61 years old on Wednesday and we planned a dinner at our house which he was unfortunately unable to make. The dinner was an amazing foodie event of gastronomical proportions, which went on for hours. We ate freshly plucked smoked pheasant and duck, fish pate',homemade Hartak (Finnish crackers),fresh baked bread,beef tips with horseradish sauce, lamb-pork-spinach lasagna, Caesar Salad, a beautiful fish-veggie-olive-salami antipasto platter and a triple layer chocolate cream filled cake with sour cream frosting. I am still stuffed and gained at least a pound. It was fun to spend time with my dads old pals who are more like family.

Also, Douglas' sister Paula had a birthday in Tennessee. Happy birthday to her !!!

Doug went to Texas for a project meeting on which he will be working through may in Asheville. The owner and architect live in Dallas. This project will be another fun and creative one. I will let you know more later. We are happy for the work!!! He does not leave for NC until late February after my hip replacement revision.

Yes yet another one. This makes 3 on left side. The socket is loose and causing pain and mechanical issues. I will be thrilled to get it done and then on to replacing both knees. I may need left shoulder replaced eventually. Bionic does not even come close.But lupus is under control and I am full of myself and feeling pretty good with much rest and relaxation as I am trying to stay off legs. I have regular PT still... forever probably,which is great for me. Claudia is my PT from Germany and is excellent at her job and I really like her as a friend. It is rare to truly feel a friendship-kinship with a therapist or health care worker. There is a professional distance they usually keep. Claudia is not this type of person. Again I am blessed.

I had a mole removed and biopsied which looked suspicious but was just irritated and no skin cancer for me thank goodness. I am happy to have good test results.

I also have the good fortune of having a friends horse boarded across the street who needs a little attention and loving. I am able to go over, with Doug, and spend time with the horses. Bart is her guys name and he is a 17 hand chestnut with two left white socks and a star. He reminds me of my first horse Huckleberry Finn. Huck was 16 hands...still big. Bart and I are in the "getting to know one another" stage. I have not been around horses in a while. What a treat !! Thank you Dale for this opportunity. It's nice to have him so close and to meet another neighbor too.

All in all with the economy,snowy-cold-icy holiday weather and political challenges, both here and abroad,it has been a hopeful week. I see a slight change for the positive happening in peoples attitudes and in social responsibility coming from people and corporations who finally understand the need for the world to come together to do good things for the planet and it's inhabitants. What tends to come with challenging times is a group mentality for a common good. Sure we see greed with a vibrant clarity as it is uncovered and hedged out of the crevices of those minds who need to be put to task and held responsible. Philanthropy and volunteer-ism becomes more important and prolific as funds are decreasing. Families spend more time together at home talking, playing games, being creative, watching movies with pop corn and simply being together for meals. Instead of buying expensive gifts and sending tons of paper cards we see a trend of email cards, web cam greetings, phone calls and Skype calls with the ability to talk to family-friends out of country or in the armed services for free. Home made gifts made with love are so much more important than a cheap "made in China" plastic throw away toy. I love to receive and to give food made with love, fresh wreaths, flowers, home made candles and soaps etc.

Mary, my step mom, and I went to whole foods last week to shop for her families food basket and stocking stuffers for the holidays. This is the second Whole Foods in A2 and is right down the street! They have a wine bar and sushi bar with all kinds of other food stations. You can actually drink wine while shopping or take a load off, munch on good food and sip flights of wine and Michigan cheese after your shopping adventure. It was a wonderful way to shop. If you are in A2 check it out.

Tiz the season to share with those who have less. I see a world in which we can live in peace and harmony with simple needs and humble hearts. Perhaps we should head that lesson all the time as opposed to filling out our own wish lists and checking it twice. I feel very grateful!!

Food Nation

We have entered a Foodie Revolution. I love it !! I always have felt food was at the heart of the family and now I see it finally playing out in most homes all over the US. I think it has been this way around the world but we here in the states have been in fast food heaven or hell for way too long. Families forgot how to eat after the invention and popularization of frozen TV dinners, "drive-up windows", take outs and microwaves. Computers sit on dining tables instead of plates and people are usually watching their TV while eating prepared and over processed foods. recently I have seen this change. Maybe it is still the same for most families struggling with schedules and finances but I hear more conversations about food and the meals people will prepare. I see the Food Channel as a huge gift into the hearts and hearths of America. It is teaching us how to begin a foodie lifestyle which encompasses more than just filling our bellies. It is a holistic approach to food. We think about what we are making and where the food came from. We carefully plan our meals, find recipes, clip coupons, shop, consider local-organic options and we even read labels. Then we bring our hunting-gathering gifts home to be unwrapped and prepared with a sense of love and gratitude. We may even pretend we are a food star. I can see this revolution being a spiritual journey as well as gastronomic.

I can remember how my family would get dressed up for dinner when I was young and our mouths would begin to salivate the closer the hour came. Everyone would share in conversation about their days adventures and we would pass food and feel a sense of unity. It was a time to connect to our own selves as well as the family as a whole. It was then i knew I had a higher purpose in the kitchen. I am one of those people who thinks about gardening, harvesting, preparing and eating food all the time. I should weigh 300 pounds but I also consider the art of eating slowly and chewing each morsel as if it were the last meal. I read about food and the environment and seek local farmers and growers. I love to attend the farmers market with my cotton totes and lists in hand. I stop by the farm near our home for the best fresh eggs in town and all this for simple survival? No, it is an art form and a way of life. I see this as a conscious way of living and being with our environment and community. It also nurtures our spirits in a deeper way than we realize.

The greatest pleasure I get is seeing people smile after a meal I have lovingly prepared. I remember cooking at restaurants and seeing the folks in the dining room or deli counter smiling ear to ear and rubbing their Buddha Bellies with sheer bliss and the memories of donating freshly baked bread to the homeless shelter and the looks on the faces of people who were being served hot home cooked meals come flooding back into my brain. What a joy !!! and what a wonderful time to contemplate these small acts of giving. Thanksgiving is the beginning of a month long food fest and I will enjoy every tiny bite !!!

My sweet man and I at an outdoor sculpture garden in Asheville

I want to share a little about the man who has been walking next to me for 15 years. He is my handsome and wonderful husband with too many good attributes to mention. I want to share this because I see so many married couples get lost in a sea of apathy and "non-relations". As we approach Thanksgiving, which everyone who knows me knows this is my very favorite holiday. I consider all the years we have celebrated and opened our home to friends, family and strangers who did not have family with which to celebrate, or could not go home for the weekend. The past two years we have been unable to do this. I feel a great loss because I am a "giver", but I feel blessed to be with my loved one no matter where we eat. We spent a fabulous Thanksgiving last yea, and will spend this year with our great friends Kitty and Steven at their home. They, like us, have been a family hub for those during this wonderful holiday. They have friends over who share food, laughs, libations and great conversation mixed with a bit of football. It is something we treasure as this has started a new tradition after we visit a few family members in Detroit area earlier in the day. I look forward to a time when we are able to extend ourselves, home and food to others like we did in years past, but I also feel very lucky to be treated by my dear friends-family with my fabulous and much loved husband. Did I mention he is handsome? Pictures tell all. Truth being: "The heart is more real and stronger than the outside visual; and I am a lucky gal in so many ways". I never take advantage of this reality. If I have not told you how blessed I feel. now you know. I am most thankful.

May your upcoming holiday be filled with love and blessings realized. Then share it on the following Friday for the first "National day of listening". Listen to a loved a one, friend or stranger. Let them tell you how they feel or their story. It might fill you with a greater sense of gratefulness. I will be glad to bedn your ear...hahaha.

What an exciting time in history !

President Elect Barack Obama, our first president of color. What an amazing giant step forward for people all over the world, not just of color, but of all walks of life. It was a tear filled moment for many people. Even those who did not vote for him were touched and filled with a new spirit of unity and hope for future generations. I am sure there are those who feel, for lack of better words,disdain, but I have seen and heard those folks for years and finally they are the minority. For those of you with faith in God, some prayers were answered. If you believe in God you know his prayers are always answered so you can take comfort in that. I on the other hand take comfort knowing my nieces will have more hope for their futures and will finally see themselves mirrored through the lovely two little girls who will now occupy the Executive Home. (no jokes about that).

I watched the TV viewing of his humble and calm speech given around 11:30 pm at Grant Park in Chicago as a quarter million people stared glossy eyed upon the stage with a sense of calm and peace, pre-celebration, which lasted for days. I went to bed after a small victory dance, a big cry and lots of hoots and hollers. The next day was an equally uplifting and surreal day where I felt the shadow of darkness some placed over the election lifted and a new day had indeed begun. I had energy and felt like I could do anything. I raked leaves for half and hour. (that is huge for me now). I even wore shorts due to high temps. It was a sunny sky day in blue clouded bliss. I have my yard sign, buttons, sticker and all the memorabilia I could save to share with my nieces and nephews kids and Doug's sons children when they are old enough to understand(if they have kids). Wow !!!!! I am also equally glad the venomous puss spewing out of a certain woman's mouth will no longer be on the air waves, at least as a VP running mate. She can go back to her independent state where felons can get elected. I do not like hateful people or people who encourage acts of violence and kill wolves from helicopters. Bless her family though, I am sure she is a handful. McCain was very admirable in his speech and he is a good man who will continue to do good work as a public servant.

Health is good lupus wise. Bones still a big issue. The left hip socket is loosening to the point we may need to replace it for the third time. It is a charm I hope, and the two knees will need replacing soon after. I am ready to get back on my feet again. I have been mobile but not really. It is easy to move about the house and do some walking at grocery store or to appointments but with much pain and limps. The AVN being as progressive and incurable as it is, is most disturbing. It can hopefully be taken care of with more surgeries and I look forward to a day when I can ride a bike again and dance. Heck! I would settle for a long walk in the woods with my main man. More on bones later.

Basking in the glory !!! Snow tomorrow and leaves they have a fallen.

Health is good, joy is now

I am very happy to report a good feeling about health situation. I have had little lupus effects on the current regimen and I am in a lot less pain. I have more energy and feel like I am bouncing back. I know that sounds so "wishful thinking" but it is a good feeling to feel healthier and stronger. I can tell when things are getting better and healing is happening deep inside my cells. I know I have to stick to a certain routine and keep on top of PT and all the things which bring my body much happiness. I also count my blessings every day I live here and not in the Congo or Iraq. We are so blessed to be living in a place where we are fed, clothed, loved, warm and dry, Doug and I. For those who are not I am sad, but I must focus on positive things in our control. We all should try to do that if possible. This is a great place to be metaphorically speaking.

I do hope those of you reading this are well and happy. I would love to know who is reading this blog and tell me what's new with your life. I guess I write this more for me than anyone else at this point. It is a journal and sometimes I ramble. We all need an outlet. It is my way of reaching out as well. So reach back if you get a chance !!!
I won't bite.....not hard anyway...........Peace

Where does the time go during election times?

Douglas and I have been back in Ann Arbor for almost three months and it seems like yesterday. It has been a challenging time and I feel almost as if the world has turned upside down. Politics and economy weigh heavy on our minds and we feel it in all aspects of our lives. I am almost afraid to look at the news or our bank account yet I know we have to keep abreast of the situation. I will be happy when the elections are over(with Obama as president) and we can all sit back with a hot beverage and watch Canada from our very own back yard !! The Bush years will go down in history as the worst 8 years in American politics, I hope there is not more of the same. It looks like it will be behind us and we can move forward in a new light. I am also with trust our financial situation in the world will get better. It is a stress everyone feels, unless you are a Bill Gates or Oprah. The degree to which we feel it is up for debate. The point is that we are in a time of upset and it has us all in knots, no matter how we vote.

A brighter future ahead !!! November 4 get out and vote. It is your voice and your right as an adult American Citizen............as long as it is an educated vote. Study the facts and know the truth not just the mud slinging pseudo facts we hear on TV or in those nasty phone calls from computer driven messages. That's all I have to say about that. Just make sure you do vote.

Harvest moon-Indian summer

October Harvest Moon and 70 degrees outside the painted leaf sky. Dapples of orange kiss red tinged kites falling to damp earth. Wind blows in another land today and silence holds it's breath for a wet night. Long sleep wetness in the dawn of cold to come. Down roots grow searching the urges of spring unknown. Chimney sweeps into a new time of anxious voters and holiday cheers. Drink up the sun until you are silly for the cold winter will hangover a long nights sleep.

Popa

There are no words to express how sad it has been to watch my grandparents get old. Last few days my 92 year old Popa has been teetering on that fine line between life and death. His pride stripped away with his basic faculties. He used to be a big hulk of a man, tough, rough and had the mouth of a sailor and then some. This Detroit boy was raised old world German, played the violin in The Detroit Youth Symphony, watched the Tigers from outside the fence and road the trolley to work at a young age. He speaks of WW II as if it were yesterday. His hands are deeply ridged and scared from years in the motor glass industry. His garden which once fed the family is now a pile of compost and stray flowers my aunt planted years ago. His cabin locked up for now. His new truck sitting in the drive with a few hundred miles after only a year. With the walkers help he fixes his oatmeal on bent bones, reads the paper, turns his hearing aide up or off, smokes a "cig", sits on the porch hoping an old friend will walk by, then falls asleep in his club chair with the TV on till dinner with few distractions in between. my lovely and sweet 86 year old grandmother, Vera, cares for him with vigilance but is wearing her age and the past year of age related ills. They did not think they would die. Now I wait for the call which says my Popa has passed. Holding my breath. Stranger yet, they just finally drew up their Wishes and Wills. Funny how the time flew by.

My grandmother's parents died one or two days of each other. I fear it will be the same. I have been blessed to have spent quality time with them, helped them go through their old photos, collect data and pick their memories so I am at peace. I see they are not happy in the older version of their younger selves. I see the pain and grief. Why this age? We are born to die yet never think it will come to us. What a tangled web? Now at the end i wish them peace. I also know the end can drag on. Cheers none the less. Preparation is the best medicine for now for grieving must wait.

Thanksgiving is near.It's time to cook.

On cooking and entertaining……

As we would love to experience the ability to spend luxurious days and endless evenings growing, raising, nurturing, harvesting,preparing and sharing our own meals while looking fabulous and staying fit all at once…………;it is an ominous and almost impossible goal for today’s adults, one which I have been blessed to actually attempt and sometimes even pull off successfully. I spent hours growing, planning, executing and enjoying my own creative recipes for myself, husband and loved ones. I even attempted a few careers in the food industry……….It is when money, time and energy inhibit us to experience those old world food values on which we were once raised to follow. Those days are few and far between for us when we actually do plan and create weekly or monthly family meals and those with friends. Few are the meals we prepare and share together with those we love. The one connecting bond families and friends once shared is a challenge for even the most culinary geniuses and multi-taskers.

I consider myself a good gardener and cook with a knack for bringing people together in a moment of bonding and eating. What is missing is the ability to do it fully. Health and economy being the main issues, but all parties involved must also be in sync to pull it off, which is hard with our full lives.It is a challenge I truly aspire to overcome. I aspire to get back to it by following some simple principles I learned along the path to food and fun.

You see I have a basic philosophy: First we find a date on the calendar for the chosen group of people to come together and break bread, sip wine and enjoy one another's company. Then the menu plan ensues based on what is fresh and in season that week or day in the garden and at market. One must be open to adapting recipes when certain foods are not available, perhaps raiding the pantry. Then the right occasion must be matched to the event (holiday, birthday etc) which then sets the theme, location and attire. After invitations are sent and RSVP's received the planning and list making begins. Each person brings one thing to share. There is always one person who is good for store bought flowers, bread, wine or candles, which is equally as desired as a dish, yet I do love it when each person prepares a specialty of their own along with a story behind the cretaion. It is fun to taste little bites of many tasty morsels, share recipes and tricks. It is a strong bond we share.

In order to create that perfect meal I find shopping and budget are most challenging in preparing just the right amount. Inevitably two or three people will cancel at last minute and one person will bring unexpected guests or kids so I plan for a little extra. Then there is the Weather! I have had dinners postponed for two hours due to heavy rain storms. Timing is important too as there are times I have given different times to guests, answering the door in my PJ's with a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth or waiting for two hours thinking dinner was 5:00 not 7:00. That is when good advanced prep is a blessing. The pre-made platters of appetizers and bowls of olives and nuts are ready to set out with glasses of wine ready for the pick of the guest. Soup is in crock pot and bread baked earlier in the day. Sometimes dog friends enter in a flurry, tails wagging, wet paws searching for kibble, which I have. After we all finally gather we begin the line to the kitchen. People grab a chair or stand and chat in the kitchen, of course, right where the cook is working while glasses flow with lots of laughs, musical changes and always a sigh mid to end meal when everyone feels full and happily satisfied. On occasion we have been known to experience complete silence. That is good. It is the goal of every home cook and most restaurant chefs; that moment of pure delight and exhalations. When this is attained and everyone is getting along well I can sit back and enjoy watching my husband washing dishes and dishing the dirt after another well planned event pulled off with many hitches. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So plan a holiday dinner with 6-8 friends/family and enjoy the moment when food and relationship come together and celebrate that time old tradition of "Shared Meals". Oh ya...invite us too !!!!

Health world

Sometimes people ask me "How are you?". I guess this Blog is the best way to share how I feel and what is up on the health front. Lately I have been writing more about what is going on in the grander scale because I grow weary of constantly discussing my health. BUT for those who are concerned I want to say I am doing quite well at the moment. I am going to PT as always and started pool therapy as an add on. I feel more full of energy than a year ago. The meds are working and I am on a lot !!! But I have to do what works for me and so far lupus is not active. That does not mean remission by the way. Inactive means the meds have everything under control lab wise and symptomatically. I still have bone-joint-muscle pain,fatigue,insomnia, early signs of menopause,adrenal dysfunction, bone necrosis,arthralgia, weakness and low white cell counts due to the medications which suppress the immune system; the mechanism through which lupus can become active. Once the immune system is suppressed the lupus is unable to go astray and attack my own body. On a GOOD note: my kidneys are functioning well due to three meds I take as well. I guess you can say modern medicine and all the other good things I do are working. i hope to one day be off most of the medications but the reality is that may not be possible and as long as I am happy, fed, housed, loved and mentally functioning with Douglas by my side all other frivolous matters seem to handle themselves. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things on my wish list left to do, but I have lived a pretty full life and am grateful for all the adventures and experiences. I have been blessed!!!!

Challnges in tough times....HOPE and straight talk

During these difficult times in the world we ask ourselves if there is hope? I can honestly say there are always possibilities but hope is still an empty word if you believe in reality. Hope is one of those words I argue because it puts off the current moment for the possible future instead of accepting the present moment and making the best of it. "Making lemon-aide out of lemons" was not just a cute saying. It was an old fable translated into something we can understand. This fable is told in every culture about making the best of a worst case scenario. It is about not falling prey to the fear words of our "leaders" (political and religious etc.). Fear can make us feel lost and with out needed tools to overcome loss, pain and the human condition unless we "do this or do that". What if a religious leader or a politician said "Suck it up and be bold people; stop whining, cut back on spending, spend more time at home, cook your own meals, take the bus, grow your food, share the wealth, sell that big SUV, live within your means, stop feeling sorry for yourself, smile to a stranger and do something nice for your neighbors and the world?" I doubt we would vote for that. So they try to offer HOPE. Try? Has this worked? Yes it has but it has also kept us in a dream and living way too far in the future. I am guilty of this too. I put things on hold and hope for a brighter day. I tell patients they have hope for remission. I give loved ones some form of hope for the future. What I have learned is that future does not exist. The moment is now. NOW is the only moment we have. Make the best of it while it is here. That is what I will "try" to say NOW.

If the sky falls how will I decide to handle it? How will you? When the rich decide to pay themselves big fat dividend checks on tax payer dollars will we say "A brighter future will be ahead?". We do this all the time and then, like John Stewart pointed out so clearly on his "Comedy Central's" show last night: Fear and hope are always forcing our hands into action. Iraq war and now the big ass bailout. When does straight talk happen? Why do we resist? I guess it is human nature and the illusion under which we live our lives in a very prosperous society compared to the rest of the world. That is an illusion too. We have lived a lie. NOW we have to change the story by being honest and accepting the truth of the moment and know we have possibilities but not false hope.

I am leaving open the possibilities for a bright moment and taking responsibility for my own happiness and the way in which I live my life. I may back slide, as all humans do, but I will aspire to make the day a bright one here and NOW. There is always a bright side and a gift or miracle in the unexpected.......Let's find it. Let's pay attention now and do what is truly best and not simply put a band-aide on our unforeseeable future. Straight talk is what we need now. Are you up with that?

To Bail or not to Bail?

I know I am in a free country when I have the ability to ask my banker if I should close our retirement and place it into a safe savings account(MM) or to ride out the wave and see what the future brings. It is only in a rich and capitalistic country do we ask that question. Even in our "wealthy" country there are people deciding if they should eat lunch or hold off for dinner because they can not afford that Happy Meal. Come on folks.....It is not the end of the world for most of us invested in the stock market. For many that alone is a privilege beyond their means. The truth is that what we(D and I ) have managed to save is not enough to pay off our minivan. Debt is still on our side. I know few who actually own their home outright (no mortgage) or even their vehicle. We have outlived our savings and our credit. Most of us in the lower 98% have debt and owe more than we save. We spend more than we make. It has been the American Dream and Credo. Living up to the Jone's is catching up with us in a big way. The old corporate promise of a bright future retirement does not exist and owning one's own business costs more than it makes."What's up with that?"

It would be easy to blame it all on Hedge Funds, speculations, corporate waste and bad investments or spending in the banking industry or bad politics and regulations, but what about personal choice? Did Corporate-Government America force us to buy that Bling, BMW or i-Pod they shove down our throats? I think we need to look at the real issue: Our relationship with money !!! Our values!!! How do we teach and reach our children and how were we taught to handle-spend-save-value money? I know I was taught not to talk about it. Money was a taboo subject. I also remember though that spending was not taken lightly and Penny Pinchers were present in our family more than wild spenders. I came from the old school, where you will find people who drive old cars and own their homes outright. People who buy top quality products which last forever or buy from thrift shops, barter, trade and who recycle and compost. We garden and can food for winter. We save coupons, burn firewood and turn in pop bottles. I was taught to save change forever until you have a rainy day. These things have stuck with me for the most part. I am conservative in spending and yet do not mind splurging on items needed or which can bring some joy to life when needed. But the bills are paid first and I own no Bling. My grandmother told me that she would rather die than pay a bill late. I wore hand me down(thrift shop) dresses to high school dances. I had a great grandfather who died with dollar bills hidden in his dresser, bed and all over the place. This long lineage of thrifty folks has made me feel empowered and though I am "poor" in the bank I am rich in values. I consider how people in third world countries or New Orleans feel when they can not buy rice for their kids. That is news worthy and yet rarely hits the front page or top news story. While we figure out how to stop the government-corporate bleeding, the heads of these businesses will ride away on their private jet to a non USA taxed island and will live out their retirement on caviar. Lets hope it is a cannibalistic island(kidding. Meanwhile the working class will continue to struggle and buy those products sold to us in every way possible.

I guess what I am saying is that we are lucky if we have the privilege to have any funds in savings or investments and that the bleeding has to stop in a real way. I hope our government-corporate leaders make sure no one profits from this and the average person still has a way to save for retirement or at least a rainy day.

Avascular Necrosis FYI

As many of you know I have been on steroids for my entire adult life for lupus control. This has caused a condition called AVN or Avascular Necrosis. I have had four joints replaced, actually the bones which make up the joint, due to this destructive condition for which western medicine has no cure. The outlook is devastating for someone as independent as me. I am coming to terms with it more now due to increase pain and decrease mobility. It has spread to most of my large bones and some small. Think of swiss cheese. I say this because I want people to understand why one day I walk tall and the next I am with walker, cane or wheel chair. I am ordering a motorized chair soon so do not be shocked when you see me in it. I am trying to be positive and proactive doing all I can to make it ok mentally and emotionally while doing all I can physically and nutritionally as possible. After 20 years of dealing with it's progression I have to face the facts so I have listed them here for you to ponder. Please do not bombard me with all sort of alternative treatments I have studied and done everything under the sun. The fact I exercise, walk and live a fairly normal life is amazing enough. I will continue to be active but changes are expected and miracles always happen. See my bones strong and blood vessels bring blood to them.

Definition

Avascular necrosis is death of bone tissue due to a lack of blood supply. This can lead to tiny breaks in the bone and the bone's eventual collapse. Avascular necrosis most often affects the head of the thighbone (femur), causing hip pain. But it may affect other bones as well.

Blood supply to the bone can be impaired for a number of reasons, including injuries. Avascular necrosis is also associated with long-term use of steroid medications. Can be caused by lupus, other diseases and alcoholism. Your doctor might use other terms to describe avascular necrosis, such as osteonecrosis, aseptic necrosis or ischemic bone necrosis.

Avascular necrosis is progressive, meaning it worsens with time. Managing the condition is a lifelong process.

Symptoms

Avascular necrosis may cause no signs or symptoms. But some people experience pain or a loss of range of motion in the affected joint. Where you experience pain depends on where the avascular necrosis occurs. For instance:

* Avascular necrosis of the hip may cause pain in your groin. Pain may radiate down your thigh to your knee. Pain is usually worse when standing or walking.
* Avascular necrosis of the wrist may cause wrist pain and finger weakness. You might feel less pain when you keep your hand still. The wrist bones most commonly associated with avascular necrosis include the lunate (Kienbock disease) and the scaphoid (Preiser disease).
* Avascular necrosis of the knee causes knee pain. The bone most commonly affected is the lower end of the thighbone (femur).
* Avascular necrosis of the shoulder usually involves the head of your upper arm bone (humerus). Pain and stiffness are common.

Avascular necrosis may also develop in the bones of your foot, ankle, spine and jaw.

Tests and diagnosis

To determine what's causing your pain, your doctor will ask about your medical history and your current signs and symptoms. He or she will likely want to know what actions increase your pain and what relieves it.

In order to diagnose avascular necrosis, your doctor may request images be taken to get a closer look at your bones. Common tests for avascular necrosis include:

* X-rays. X-rays usually appear normal in people who have early-stage avascular necrosis. Later stages may be more evident on an X-ray.
* Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). MRI scans can show early changes in the bone that may indicate avascular necrosis.

Depending on your signs and symptoms, your doctor may use other tests to diagnose avascular necrosis. In rare cases, your doctor may surgically remove a small piece of bone (biopsy) for laboratory examination.

Complications

Avascular necrosis that goes untreated will continue causing deterioration of the bone. Eventually the bone may become weakened enough that it collapses, causing pain and disability. Letting your avascular necrosis go untreated could lead to severe pain and loss of movement within two to five years.

Treatments and drugs

The goal of avascular necrosis treatment is to prevent further bone loss. What treatment you receive depends on the amount of bone damage you already have. Early stages of avascular necrosis may benefit from more conservative treatment, while later stages may require surgery.

Medications
Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) can relieve pain caused by avascular necrosis. Examples of NSAIDs include aspirin and ibuprofen.

Bisphosphonate medications, such as alendronate (Fosamax), also may play a role in the treatment of this disease. In some studies of people with avascular necrosis affecting the ball portion of the hip joint (femoral head), bisphosphonates appeared to slow the progression of the disease and reduce pain. More research is needed before doctors can make a strong recommendation about the use of bisphosphonates in the treatment of avascular necrosis.

Rest
Reducing the amount of weight and stress on your affected bone may slow the damage of avascular necrosis. You may need to restrict the amount of physical activity you engage in. In the case of hip or knee avascular necrosis, you may need to use crutches to keep weight off your joint for one to three months.

Exercises
Certain exercises may help you maintain or improve the range of motion in your joint. A physical therapist can choose exercises specifically for your condition and teach you how to do them.

Electrical stimulation
Electrical currents may encourage your body to grow new bone to replace the area damaged by avascular necrosis. Electrical stimulation can be used during surgery and applied directly to the damaged area. Or it can be administered through electrodes attached to your skin.

Surgery
Surgical procedures for people with avascular necrosis include:

* Core decompression. In this operation, your surgeon removes part of the inner layer of your bone. This relieves pressure within your bone, reducing your pain. The extra space allows your bone to form new blood vessels and stimulate the production of new bone. Core decompression works best in people with early-stage avascular necrosis.
* Bone reshaping (osteotomy). This procedure reshapes the bone to reduce the amount of stress placed on the area affected by avascular necrosis. Osteotomy is usually used in people with advanced avascular necrosis. Recovery may take up to a year.
* Bone transplant (graft). During this procedure, your surgeon takes healthy bone from another part of your body and implants it into the area affected by avascular necrosis. Sometimes this is done in conjunction with a core decompression. Recovery may take six to 12 months. More studies are needed to establish the effectives of this treatment for avascular necrosis.
* Joint replacement. If your diseased bone has already collapsed or other treatment options aren't helping, you may need joint replacement surgery (arthroplasty). Joint replacement surgery replaces your joint with an artificial one. It requires months of recovery, including time spent learning to use your new joint.

Because avascular necrosis is a progressive disease, your doctor may start with conservative treatments. As those measures, such as rest, become less effective, you may move to more aggressive treatments, such as surgery.

Butterfly Walk August 10...press release

July 17, 2008 Media contact: Laura Drouillard
E-mail: ljdrou@umich.edu
Phone: 734-764-2220
Butterfly walk to raise funds for lupus research

Aug. 10 family event will benefit Amster Lupus Research Fund
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Learn more:
Amster Lupus Butterfly Walk
July 17, 2008 Media contact: Laura Drouillard
E-mail: ljdrou@umich.edu
Phone: 734-764-2220
Butterfly walk to raise funds for lupus research


ANN ARBOR, MI — Just 11 years after her mother had died from complications related to lupus, Angela Madaras received a diagnosis of the same disease. She was only a senior in high school at the time. After being rushed to a North Carolina hospital for a life-threatening episode involving kidney failure, hepatitis, seizures, pneumonia and vasculitis that put her in a coma for a week, she decided to come to the University of Michigan Health System for treatment.

Twenty-three years after her initial diagnosis, Madaras now resides in Ann Arbor, where she participates in research studies at U-M’s Lupus Clinic. While she still experiences symptoms of lupus and the long-term effects of treatments, Madaras says that the care she has received from U-M has given her the strength to give back to others who have been affected by the disease; she has made it her personal mission to contribute to the search for a cure.

“It has been 50 years since the FDA [Food and Drug Administration] approved a new treatment specifically for lupus. By volunteering and participating in trials, research studies and advocating that Congress pass certain legislation, I see my experience as a way to change the future for others,” Madaras explains.

One way that Madaras feels she is making a difference is through her participation in the annual Amster Lupus Butterfly Walk. The event—which was created in 2002 by longtime friends Linda LeFevre, a lupus patient at U-M, and Renee McKay, who has a sister with lupus— donates all of its proceeds to the Amster Lupus Research Fund. The fund, started by Herbert and Carol Amster, financially supports clinical research for lupus. To date, this community event has raised more than $150,000.

Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is a chronic autoimmune disease that can affect every major organ system— including the kidneys, heart, brain, musculoskeletal, lungs and skin— among males and females of all ages and ethnic origins. Because lupus is an autoimmune disorder, the immune system mistakenly attacks the body’s own tissue and organs. Today, lupus affects more than one million people in the United States— including more than 9,000 people in Michigan alone. The exact cause of lupus is not known, and a cure has not been found.

The two-mile Amster Lupus Butterfly Walk will be held on Sunday, Aug. 10 at Civic Center Park, on Hall Road in Woodhaven in Wayne County. Registration begins at 10 a.m., and the walk will start at 11:30 a.m., rain or shine. A pancake breakfast will be held during the registration time. Registration is $15 per person or $50 for a team of four members. Team Sponsorship and Corporate Sponsorship opportunities are available until Aug. 5.

For more information about lupus, event registration or how to donate, call (734) 671-2367 or (248) 582-2727, e-mail butterflies@wowway.com or visit www.amsterlupus.org.

To learn more about the Lupus Program at U-M, please visit:
http://www.med.umich.edu/lupus/index.htm

To make a contribution:
Please mail your contributions (checks payable to the University of Michigan with “Amster Lupus Butterfly Walk” in memo line) to:

National City Bank
Re: Routing #RJ2SC9
400 West Fourth Street
Royal Oak, MI 48067
rivacy Statement

Flying Again?

My friend took me up for a flight in his four seater, Tiger. It was great. I had so much fun it was wonderful seeing the area from the air. I miss hang gliding and feel so blessed to have had that gift of flight. The mountains are lush a green and I was pleasantly surprised it did not look as developed as I imagined. It seems most of the growth is downtown. Urban sprawl might be quelled for a little while but it is on the rise. It is always refreshing to gain an eagles eye and gain fresh perspective.

I had a great chat with my grandmother the other day who is amazing in her late eighties, Popa 90, and they both still drive and she even goes gambling with friends. I was laughing so hard at her stories which are pretty amazing. She was a Rosie Riveter during the war. My grandfather was on a base in California and when she was 18, before they married, her and a friend took a train across the country from Detroit to California to visit their fellows. The friend stayed and my grandmother trained back herself. What is so funny is her friend ended up throwing my grandmother a wedding shower but instead of the typical she threw a "Mourning" party like a funeral. They had black decor with hanky's for crying and all the fun quarks that accompany a wake. How funny !!! I laughed so hard. It was all in good clean fun. This woman ended up writing many books on rebirth and reincarnation and was on Oprah years back. I read her one book "Return To Marlboro" so many years ago I can barely remember, but my grandmother can remember all these details. She has macular degeneration, diabetes, heart issues, arthritis and high BP which does not seem to take anything away from her humor or spirit. Her last words on the phone before "I love you" was "Keep your finger in the dike", from an old Danish story. I almost peed in my pants. I admire her spirit so much. She carries herself with grace and character we usually forget about in todays society. I like that Moxy.

On a highly personal note (children or prudes step away from the computer)..........hey all you married women; have you had a time keeping the romance alive? Who has not right? Douglas and I have a fabulously beautiful relationship with more laughs than any couple I know, but when I was so sick, it was hard to get it up, so to speak. I mean that on my end with all the meds and surgeries I was not thinking about sex. I slept, ate, slept and messed in the garden. Doug took care of me like a parent would a child with great care which is a great challenge for a lover. Lately that has changed. I am not sure what changed but I can say that opening dialog and being really honest can take you places you never dreamed. It is not about the sex as much as the deepening of a relationship after many years of living with someone and spending so much time together. We know each other inside and out farts and all. For most long term relationships, over ten years anyway, the date nights disappear into movies on DVD with popcorn and PJ's. Champagne turns into boxed wine. A real intimate moment is just that; a moment. The long dates of seduction and foreplay start with and end with a back rub and ben gay. It is not easy keeping it sexy, but we have been able to do so in the midst of all life's challenges. This past reawakening of desire and passion has brought us into a new level of intimacy beyond what we dreamed. I knew we had the best relationship we could ever hope for, but then it keeps getting better. I am reminded that we are blessed. If the scientists call passion a chemical reaction which creates oxytocin and fermones(whatever they are called) then they are missing the point. Love and intimacy are combined to create a lasting bond of trust and honest communication which is the best orgasm truly. Lust is there for certain procreation but when it wears down over the years what kicks is in is even hotter. I am with the sexiest man alive and I know it. That along with the entire package is sexy just as it is. More tips if you are open......not online.

Caleb and Holly's wedding.Lainey's sweet look

OK still working on book....coffee talk

I finally see that writing a book is a healing journey that takes many twists and turns into the depths of ones soul. All the hidden treasures and ghosts come screaming out of the closet all at once or in little subtle pieces. Yesterday I took my Sunday afternoon chill out day. From 11:00-4:00 I worked on computer and from 4:00-7:00 I watched Food Channel shows I love, stayed off my sore legs and sipped on some chilled white wine, of course wine goes with food. Then I cooked dinner and watched last half of a movie while Douglas was finishing a long seemingly frustrating day on the computer working. After dinner we sat there watching the nature channel on a Peruvian Tribe and their rites of passage for men when the phone rang. It was Doug's phone and an old friend on the other end inviting he and a few other old dear friends to a lunch, which they do every few years when all are in Asheville. Their connection is deep and spiritually based back during a time before I met Douglas. I was also friends with two of them before I met Douglas as well, but not as close as he was so I would understand why it is important for them to have quality time.

We all have those connections with people in our lives who are like family and during pivotal times which are life changing, these bonds are made that much stronger. I would say this meets those qualifications for Douglas and I totally respect that. I have never been invited to join them though, unless I ask Douglas if I can come, he says yes, but I would not go anyway. It's the ego thing. That little girl inside me just likes being counted or considered and liked. The only girl on the playground playing alone during all those years we moved (just about every two-three years and usually right in the middle of the school year) was starting to pop out and was saying "Hey can I come? am I invited? Someone play with me fast". That's seemingly irrational but hidden deep down inside each and every one of us. Think of being bullied or having kids pick on you when you were young because your name was strange or your teeth were messed up? Or your glasses too big? You know what I am talking about. If you don't then you were either perfect, enlightened or the bully. It's a human thing to want to be part of the group, liked, loved and accepted.Most importantly "Understood". I think part of being in a good relationship is being able to express that need even if it seems childish.

The human psyche can be very tricky and will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Hormones? "Don't go there". It is more about peeling the onion and getting to the core of an old hurt possibly from early childhood or sooner? Douglas is a very sensitive man and loves me deeply, so it does not have to do with him directly. I I just want to be included and understood during those moments of "Poor me". Seems so tiny but we are not tiny creatures are we? No ! we are very complicated and even highly emotional at times. Our air waves reflect all the drama of super stars and politicians. I think we love seeing others emotional pain on some level because it makes us feel better about ourselves and we can jump to judge them instead of getting the tree out of our own eye. I want to live in a world where we try to find out "why?" instead of jumping to judge or turning the other direction? Why do we judge, fight,go to war,get jealous, feel superior,abuse people, cheat, lie, steal, have addictions, get angry, commit suicide, throw pity parties, have road rage, act out in any way other than that of love and compassion? If we know the answer to our inner pains we might find compassion, only then can we learn to empathize? Empathy can heal any wound but compassion has to be there to open the door to understanding with no judgment. It is a tall order we must learn in order to heal this world, ourselves, others and the planet. So it is much deeper when truly analyzed. I do think it takes the feminine touch to turn the tide. Our leaders could learn from the mothers and grandmothers.

The ego is the voice behind it all. It is afraid to be hurt, abandoned, unloved, disliked or damaged in any way. So we fly off the handle at a little things when the real big sore is still buried deep inside and bruised. The only way to do that is to keep peeling and keep it real. I chose to heal my inner scars but not at the expense of my mate, friends, strangers and family. No, I want to take the high ground, but still feel safe to express my feelings and be heard without being dismissed. I guess I have lots of work to do. Another day. Off to work on other more timely matters of a Monday. Oh, and men could learn how to listen better too with out trying to fix it or get frustrated with us emotional, powerful females.

In Honor of My Mother

Today is my moms birthday. She died in 1975 with lupus complications. It is always a challenging day even if I do not remember until the end of the day, I somehow usually feel it in some way or another. Today started out great then I felt stressed by many little things which normally would not get to me. It is one of those days. My sister called me to remind me and to do our ritual 6:00 toast in honor of her. I was so young when she died it feels like a whole life away yet I carry her in my heart everywhere I go every day. I do the work I do with lupus fund raising and awareness for her and others alike. I guess you can say I carry her hope that one day we find a cure and the suffering will end for millions who have auto immune disorders. I sure do miss her though. I remember her constant smile, big blue eyes and soft blond hair, or wig, depending on the time. I can see her walking on the beach in a caftan or Turkish robe and floppy hat looking very chic. Her laugh was infectious and everyone adored her as they should. What an uplifting spirit she was to so many. Amazing to me how those who seem to have the most challenges somehow find a way to lift others up by their good nature, a sweet smile and uplifting attitude. She was one of those people and I will aspire to that as a human all my life. What a challenge. One thing I know for sure is that she was happy and at peace. It is great comfort. "I love you mom".

On a light note........I am gearing up for posting a funny version of my memoir. The first chapter will explain and set up a wild ride of a life. What fun to remember and document ones life. If it never gets published or read at least I will have put it in print and had a good laugh or two and some tears as well. It saves a lot on therapy too. The end result is good as you know. There sure have been a cast of characters. The book is more about the others who helped shape my life than me. Yes that may me you.........

Peace and Health

"Roller Coaster.............Come down"

For those of you who remember the 70's hit from "Kasey and the Sunshine Band" called "Roller Coaster" you will relate to how I feel. I am on steroids once again and flying high on the roller coaster of manic mania. It is truly amazing how this medication can mask the symptoms of a disease and even put it into remission while at the same time create havoc in your body, mind and emotions. Emotionally I am great: that is to say "manic" and happy with energy and lots of mental action in my little brain.........but then I realize I am like a high energy "bunny" with OCD and ADD on speed. I can hardly practice meditation or read a sentence because my mind is in 100 places all at once. The upside, and there is always an upside, is that I get a lot more done while multi tasking and feel pretty damn good. Chatty Kathy comes out to play. I can relate to why I was so hyper active in my earlier years when high doses of steroids were a daily event. I know my sister Martha and old best friend/room-mate Lisa will understand totally because I drove them crazy. The downside is that it is hard to get to sleep or stop the mental chatter, I talk to myself with out realizing it and sometimes it can make me cranky or emotional(not now thank goodness). Douglas came in the kitchen where I was alone cooking and asked who I was talking to.......That's not good. my answer was obvious and "YES" I do answer. That being said it is a wild ride and always interesting.

So "word"...........of caution; when around me now please understand I am slightly off balance and a little like a young woman in her 20's. It will go away as I taper down and eventually get off these roids, But while I am on this wave I will ride it as long as I can because being out of bed with energy and youthfulness feels good, even if I am a little nuts.

OK I was Blue.....get over it.

Sometimes when we are blue we feel we need to hide it or share it with the world. Mostly I hide it but yesterday I shared it. I feel OK with that. For anyone uncomfortable; "get over it". You try to live with a chronic illness and pain and see how you like it. Really though I do feel better and it helps to vent. I know too many people who bottle up emotions and I see how they come bursting out in negative and self destructive ways. So free yourself and feel what you feel, and express it somehow with out judgment. Blogs are great ways, but know people are watching.

I have a funny question. Do you woman of my age and older have very close veins? Otherwise known as varicose? Do they bug you? Hurt? Or are they small spider ones which simply reflect your maturity, wisdom and heritage? I had a friend once send me a flyer for a Dr. who removes them and then I read Dr.'s report stating I had them. I asked my husband and another friend and they could not even see them. So I figured it could be a vanity issue. maybe people see things if they are threatening to their own self image? maybe I just focus on what is important or... are they a real health issue? NO........Not if they are tiny, microscopic and almost un-noticeable. Like crows feet, no one notices unless it is an issue for them. Age should be celebrated. Now if you have painful, bulging veins which need to be removed for health reasons and pain; go for it. My X had them so bad he looked like those steroid guys all pumped up and it was a medical issue. Shows those age marks with pride is my motto. Hell, I still have acne so what do I have to complain about.

So I guess I am back to my practical and slightly humorous state for the moment. Next entry is the beginning of my memoirs. After losing them on computer I decided to re-write with a humorous twist. Things I felt should be secret I no longer care to hide. The gloves are off. No names mentioned but stories will be told. Mine. Let me know if you want left out. I may or may not. HEEEEEE. Just kidding. I respect peoples right to privacy and it might not be written as real but as closely based on reality.

Peace out.....Word.......Love

ups and downs...whining

Today I want and need to bitch and whine. I have spent two days in bed this past week and feeling very weak,tired and have pain which is a level 5 but for most others it would be much higher. When one is in chronic pain the number system of grading pain levels does not apply, which sends a mixed message to the Dr.'s. They hear a level 3-5 on the particular day you are in clinic and consider it "mild", but what they do not take into consideration is that the pain can go from 3-8 in an hour and when one has a higher tolerance this number is irrelevant. I read the Dr.'s reports and they tell me the lupus is inactive, and thanks to the daily dose of toxic meds which control it, I am "basically" symptom free. What they do not take into effect is the damage and activity I feel no matter what the lab tests show. This has been proven. There are times when labs look terrible but we patients feel great and vise versa. Most days I see our Dr. I do feel OK and I put on my happy face so they do not think I am weak or a whiner. That really irritates people.

So why do I want to bitch and complain? I feel it is harder emotionally with the lupus being virtually inactive, while on a ton of drugs, than it is to be in a full fledged raging flare. At least when I am in a bad flare I can validate how I feel. When I am in limbo and the meds are keeping the activity generally low I feel that Dr.'s and family-friends assume I am well and therefore can go back to normal activity and that all is good. This is not true. Plus the damage that has been caused to bones, skin, kidneys and other organ systems is already done. There is nothing to be done about that. I can not take pain meds, which would make life so much easier, and on the occasion I bite the bullet and do take pain meds I suffer through the hellish side effects, but also realize what it is like to be virtually pain free. I guess even I do not realize how much pain I feel until I numb it. But what is more frustrating is how, even experienced Dr.s, will say I look so healthy and give me a clean bill of health and call my pain or symptoms "Mild"....Mild to who? I have a friend who is a Dr., not practicing, and has lupus. She did not understand what patients went through until she had the disease herself. What a teacher she has been. She knows that Dr.'s really can never fully understand what we patients feel. It may seem mild in comparison to life threatening symptoms, but it is not mild to spend two hours napping daily and at least two days a week in bed, having sleepless nights due to pain, feeling so tired at times I can not walk, all the nasty side effects and damage from toxic drugs and so on. The emotional toll of being in this limbo is worse than facing death. The ironic part is that I want to be seen as healthy but I want my Dr.'s to truly understand and write it down as it is not just report that day I see them but the entire picture. Take the time to acknowledge spikes of pain up to 8-10, sleeplessness, weakness, pain upon doing anything physical, bone decay and pain as a result, missing out on much of life's experiences much of the time and trying to look good and healthy because that is what our society expects. We want and need to be heard and understood not blown off. I have great Dr.'s who I respect and care for, but I still do not feel they understand. They are also victims of insurance and cost effective medicine. They have fifteen minutes to spend with each patient. That is absurd!!!!

I want to be healthy and positive but I also want people to know what I go through so they can empathize a bit. Imagine having the flu your entire life with arthritis and bone loss. Imagine wanting to sleep and forcing yourself to get out in the world with a smile to be a positive role model and to be "normal". Just imagine for a moment then tell me if it is "Mild".


Thanks for listening......whoever reads this. No worries I will be happy and feeling good soon, just let me feel it.

writing again

Yes I have been on a long sabbatical from writing after losing much of my "book' after a couple computer crashes while backing up memory which torqued out the back up drive as well. Online back up works well too but I must admit to still being bad at it. Contrary to popular belief I am not a geek when it comes to computers. I now write most of my important info online and/or back up on paper. Plus one must feel the words dripping off the finger tips like melted ice cream at a July pic nic. I have not had that feeling much lately, perhaps due to all the changes with living in NC temporarily, not being out in our garden and nature or swimming in the lake for the summer. My clock of routine is off balance. My notes and "stuff" is in Michigan.I do see a rebirth for me and I hope you encourage me to write as well.

I work with a "chronic pain and illness" therapist during times I need a little boost. He is great at making everything seem normal and reminding me of my need for perfection in life. "If I will not be perfect then I will not do it". What is that all about? I wonder how many of us underachieve to a degree at some point in our lives when the things we were once great at we no longer find our glory? I was more active, stronger, smarter, more energetic and more creative just three years ago. This is not due to age in total. It has more to do with the cards I have been dealt or picked for myself with lupus, chemo, meds, and bone loss-pain. I see a need to rebirth some of the old "younger me". I am begging to find minuscule pieces of her emerge as if awkwardly cracking out of a hard shell into a new world with memories of youthfulness,energy and zest for life. Shades of her are there lurking in the shadows around corners of cooking,cleaning,shopping,computering,entertaining, advising,advocating,designing,running errands and making all my weekly-monthly appointments around health and wellness. Hell I don't even have pets,kids or Chia pets. When we had Jake dog for 7 years he was a catalyst for me to get out and walk in the woods a few times a day and play toss etc. Now the ball is my hands for me to initiate action. How blessed I am to be able to walk (stumble) and even consider doing the things I now do. Two years ago I did not know if I would have the physical or mental ability to do much of anything. Renting movies and the food channel became my link to the outside world and unreadable pages of scribbled notes are proof of the recipes I pretended to be preparing,books to write,videos I wanted to rent, music to record or documentaries to see. It was like having a stroke. Hard to explain but things were not firing and energy levels were available for survival only. I was there but my body could not completely prove it.

Now is a new day for sure. As I crawl into this new skin I see how it only takes a little initiation and motivation to reach a little farther and dream a little more. That will eventually turn back into action in a healthy way. I might end up in a wheelchair one day but not now !!!!!Perhaps sometimes the little red wagon Douglas bought me will be seen fluttering to the farmer's market either with me towing or sitting on the end being towed. Either way I have a means to move about the planet as I see fit. Hang gliding,motorcycles,heavy farming,extreme dancing,sunning at the beach,hiking a tall mountain and more are memories....and good ones at that, but not my reality for now. I must consider saving what bone I have left for healing at best and maintaining at worst. I truly believe the worst is behind and I am strong as hell for whatever the future holds. Indulge me in the healing and rebirth. If you live close ask me to join you in a class or take a workshop. Invite me to read a book with you or join a club. Show me how to knit and go for a nature walk. I am open and sometimes need a simple invitation. I will tell you of I am not up to it, but the asking makes me feel strong,smart and healthy again.

PS...I joined a local farmers group. Every Thursday they provide fresh-local produce of what is in season. We buy a season (May-October) of shares and enjoy the growth of our hard working farmers in the Asheville area. If you have one in your area I suggest you join. Or if you have enough food from your garden to provide a box a week to a couple families do it. It is a great way to support local economy and organic gardening while avoiding the high costs of having food shipped in from Mexico or China. Helping food kitchens is another way to share the abundance of local farming. Do not forget eggs,dairy,flowers,herbs,honey,maple syrup,cider and meat. When you get involved with local economy you save your community from being a Super Wall-Mart "Ho". Plus it is fun for kids to learn about farming and natural elements in life. If none of the above is an option there must be a farmer's market or local farmer nearby with a little table by their drive with a few tomatoes or peppers sitting in the sun for "donation or contribution". What fun !!!! Right now we have a patio garden with herbs, tomatoes,greens and will ease into more. We could feed ourselves off one small patio. Summer reminds me of summer visits to West va. and of our garden at the farm and cottage up north Michigan. I learned so much form my grandparents about sewing seeds,manure,compost and reaping the benefits. Also about what to eat and not to eat. Hot peppers are not be eaten. My grandpa Gross taught me a tough lesson on that !!!!

I end this session with a happy smile and a restful weekend ready to get back at it in the am. Tonight perhaps I help Doug paint his extra large "Butt Ugly" cigarette butts for an anti litter night at the baseball game next week. He is the butt man.

Feeling Again........

Feeling is a strange thing. Sometimes I numb myself from feeling those things which are too painful: Aches and pains in bones, joints, muscles, heart and soul. I want to avoid anything unpleasant and seek all sorts of ways to avoid the cold hard realities of life. I do not watch TV news because it too depressing to watch our society slip down the drain. I try to read world news and then I get sad and angry because of all the pain in the world. I then meditate, eat, sleep, drink wine, snuggle with my love, day dream, read a book, watch a movie, talk on the phone and whatever one does to avoid being really still in the moment and allow whatever feelings are present.Meditation does this but sometimes I am meditating for world peace or healing as opposed to truly "feeling". This takes much practice. The truth is I am numbing with each and every action other than being completely present with whatever is at that moment. I have been trying something new for the past few weeks.....I call it "feeling It". Whatever the "it" is. If I see something sad about Myanmar, Iraq or Africa I cry. If I have a bad pain day I lay in bed and allow myself to truly feel every wrenching sensation as if I were going into the eye of a tornado. When I want to express something uncomfortable or think about an event I would rather forget I go even deeper into it. What does this mean? It means that after years of being so called "conscious and "spiritual" I realized I was numbing and putting on the happy face us woman especially tend to wear so often. I guess I am at that age when feelings and emotions are hard to deny or push down and the sensor button is worn thin with age and experience.

I remember watching my grandmother go through her change of life times with the utmost feeling and courage. She dared to say the unspeakable. I can remember being mortified when she would tell a waitress she was not doing a good job or make an off comment about a woman wearing too little in all the wrong places. Then I sadly have memories of her honesty with us "Damn Kids" and how at a very green young age, tender and raw, her words could bite. But now I am older and wiser. I see the importance of feeling and being honest with that feeling or desire or thought. Speak the truth. Tell it like it is. Be your own barometer. Then sit back and truly let the pressure dissolve inside your weary bones. The freedom that comes with age is that it is all good as long as we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and feel whatever we need to experience. Once the raw emotion passes and the pain subsides I get a smile on my naive face which lets me know I know nothing yet FEEL everything. This is a huge relief. In a weird way it is a pain blocker because the pain is there to tell us something if only we take the time to hear then it subsides like a needy dog desiring an ounce of attention. When we do not listen it gets louder and stronger. Why wait??? I say to myself. Life is too short and sweet. Taste the fruit and allow the emotions to run over your mind, lips and body in waves of reality, tempering all of life's trials and tribulations back to the stillness in our souls. That is true wisdom to me. Denial is just a river somewhere in us all which is ready to be unleashed and free.

Miracles Do Happen Every Moment

This week I found out that after almost 25 years of corticosteroid use due to Lupus, I actually have functioning Adrenal glands, which are responsible for producing around 8 mg of cortisol per day. There are varying beliefs on the correct amount, but I am proud to say mine are fully functioning, which means I can get off steroids. It will take a month to taper off. I will still remain on the CellCept (immunosuppressive-"chemo") daily along with natural, western meds., herbs and supplements. This is great news for my bones, vascular system, heart etc. I was told it is very very rare for adrenals to function after years on steroids. Also my Thyroid is functioning and Kidneys are doing great. I feel like I am moving in a healthier place every day. PT,meditation,light yoga,breath work, awareness, diet, body work, supportive mate and loved ones etc. is all helping so much. Acupuncture is essential. I really have to say: "Positive attitude and support" go a long way. It sometimes takes a team. Thanks team for hanging in there all these years. If we can spread the good news to those who need it most that would be the pay off. I am on a healing path even if the lupus remains I know I have truly healed the inner most me. That is what I carry forward into this journey of life. I am blessed, we are all blessed. The dramas are only temporary and lessen when we shift our awareness and focus on what is good.
That never negates the pain and suffering which exists in the world on so many levels. I have no answer for that except it all points towards growth and experience. Hell is a world we create in our own minds and hearts. I choose to have bliss(heaven) everyday. I chose that for every being.

Good album: Herbie Hancock "Rivers" Joni Mitchell tribute. Heart felt and melodic.

Happy Rebirth

Wow how lovely this amazing creature is and how well it grows in it's cocoon only to emerge from a worm to a beautiful butterfly with iridescent wings no artist could replicate. The mighty power and glory of nature is all about this weekend. The rebirth and growth of spring and the easter-equinox-full moon weekend can speak to us on many levels of "coming out" of our hibernation into the green grass and dandelion fields of yellow. Air fresh and clear. Skies blue and white dappled by clouds with clowns faces. How lucky are we?

Enjoy this moment and this weekend with loved ones and friends. Share your love with someone today. I did so here's to my dear friends Carol,Jessie and Sharon, glad to chat with you so far away and damn !!! Sharon, you look 50 fine sister and happy birthday !!! Miss you both very much.

Autoimmune Epidemic

http://www.alternet.org/healthwellness/80129

Read this article about a book written by a strong woman who has done her research on why many Americans still know nothing about autoimmune diseases while they remain the strongest category of disabling disorders. The environment is increasingly more toxic which increase the incidence of autoimmune strains disease. It is a good cautionary story of taking good care of yourself and the planet. Also of how the media gives no attention to it because things like cancer, heart disease and erectile dysfunction. Think about it. Have you ever seen a commercial for a new exciting treatment for lupus? Yet it is said that one in nine people have an autoimmune disorder.

What can we do? Write your letters to senate. Write your local media and start learning. There will be an increase in this area if we do not educate people. Knowledge is power and there is much hope if we all do our best to make aware the public on how our environment and bodies are directly related. We each handle it or our bodies express it differently. Some experience depression, cancer, lupus, anger, anxiety, heart attacks or just plain ambivalence. We each have our bucket to carry up hill and that is life. Perhaps you do not have time to help but you can share this link with your friends, especially female loved ones. It can save a life.

On that note I am down with a cold but feeling better and it is a lovely full moon and equinox is close at hand as is Easter. With the change from winter to spring I feel a need to rest and pull in energy before the springs begins to bloom and days are filled with light and endless possibilities of new growth and new life. I find this a metaphor for my own inner growth and that which our world is going through. I think of Tibetan Monks having to fight for their home and right to practice meditation. (China should be ashamed, but then so should our government for forcing businesses to move to China, for borrowing money from them and for making them the super power they have become. ) But if you pay attention to the world, which is crazier everyday( just turn on TV for five minutes and you can see) we are in a new and strange world, but the good news is that people are waking up and taking a stand. This is growth. We can each do our part to shed light on whatever topic(s) is most important to us. We can help our neighbors and donate some time to a good cause. We can write to our politicians about what is important. This is how we change. By having a voice and using it for a positive change with out anger or violence, but with dialog and understanding. A little compassion goes a long way, but our voices can still be loud and strong. Think of a crocus reaching for the sky. It does not ask how or why it just forces itself up naturally. Then it blooms into a lovely gem only to fade away. Life is like that and now we are able to make it a gem before it fades away to the next generation. My wish for all is that we see this connection to nature and how it affects our bodies, minds and spirits. Happy Spring!!

Good Thought For the Day

Measured objectively, what a man can wrest from Truth by passionate striving is utterly infinitesimal. But the striving frees us from the bonds of the self and makes us comrades of those who are the best and the greatest.

Einstein

A new day

After a ten day alone in Michigan watching the white snow out of our big window, I came to a very important realization I have been carrying almost my entire life. I have identified so much with lupus as a patient, a daughter of a patient, advocate etc...that it is what people knew most about me or how I defined myself. I am now putting that old story or tape behind me. I am so many other things on top of having an illness. I see my potential and the harm in being so identified with one aspect of one's being. I am a survivor and a human with dreams, goals, hobbies and hopes like everyone else. So I ask you dear friends to support this transformation. I will only bring up lupus if it is necessary and I ask you do not ask me about it. Ask me about things which make me feel strong, smart and healthy. "Normal" so to speak. I feel stronger and better every day.

The new shift will also mean a new way of writing here. I am writing this blog as a base for a book. I will be telling a story which is magical, funny and sometimes raw. But most of all it is about what being in the now can be like.

Love,
Angela

DANGER DRUG RECALL

As it turned out I actually did get the bad batch of re-called fentanyl pain patches. the company is SANDOZ manufactured by ALSA and the information should be available at your pharmacist or google it online. What pisses me off is that I got an email from a friend last week about this recall and the pharmacy just received the note from the drug company. I have been experiencing symptoms and have not been feeling good for two flipping weeks which is most likely from this malfunctioning patch. It was slowly leaking out and could have had an overdose or died of a heart attach. My symptons have been extremely bad itching everywhere( and I mean everywhere). So please pass this along if you know anyone who may be on this medication. if I were the kind of person to sue I would. Not because they made a mistake but because my pharmacist even inquired about this and was told we did not get the re-called item. They are willing to give all patients who got this a free replacement. Man I am so over the drug companies, but I am at a loss for other pain control. Yes I meditate, breathe, creative visualizations, yoga, acupuncture, craniosacral etc....What is a girl to do?I am tired of living with extreme bone-joint-muscle pain due to lupus and long term effects of drugs which save my life. Now I am just venting. I will be the enlightened being I know myself to be and forgive and move on. Thanks for listening. I will write a letter to the company though.

Thought for Thu, 21 Feb 2008

Thought for Thu, 21 Feb 2008
Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future: it transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology; it covers both the natural spiritual, and it is based on a religious sense aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity. - Albert Einstein..

Today I pondered the wonder I saw last night as the full moon went into eclipse. The power of the pulling forces from the sun-moon are intense in so many ways to me. I feel them in my emotions, which we now know is actually a gravitational pull on the fluids(blood) in our bodies, which can cause the emotional part of the brain as well as other parts to feel "pressure" and makes us act a little strange, have weird dreams, feel strange sensations, be emotional or even angry. This past week I have run the gamut of emotions after many little "problems" which I only viewed as "imposed" problems. These every day events do not actually shape who we are, they are little blips reminding us of what is truly important. The eclipse of the full moon made me realize how small these little problems are and how insignificant is the energy on which I place in them.

I decided today I will deepen my meditation-yoga-balance practice. I do not practice daily as I should or as long as I should. I say "should" because I know the profoundly positive effect this has on my well being and in keeping lupus at bay. I may not be able to grow back bone where it is gone or kidney tissue where it is hardened, but then again maybe I can? Miracles happen every day. I felt such a sense of this reality and peace when receiving acupuncture from my friend and Dr. Cissy Majebe. She has been treating me for 20 years. I first saw her when I was in a coma in the hospital in 89 with little to no pulse. They said I was dying. After a treatment and many prayers I lived. The drugs and other forms of healing: acupuncture, mediation, being quiet, listening, resting, swimming, yoga, gardening, reading, breathing and walking in nature all help me heal. Cissy has always been a rock for me in helping me remember how far I have come with the tool bag I acquired. I watched her keep her mate alive for five years with acupuncture-herbs and western medicine while waiting for a transplant. She is doing well after her new kidney was placed into her fragile body. Long term effects may never go away but the memory of the miracle in life is always there if we chose to remember.

So I place my resolution out there to the ethers and whoever still reads this; I will walk tall even if in a wheelchair and I will see no limitations only balance. I am grateful for all the teachers along the path who have inspired me. Some will never know how much they have touched me. I DO.