writing again

Yes I have been on a long sabbatical from writing after losing much of my "book' after a couple computer crashes while backing up memory which torqued out the back up drive as well. Online back up works well too but I must admit to still being bad at it. Contrary to popular belief I am not a geek when it comes to computers. I now write most of my important info online and/or back up on paper. Plus one must feel the words dripping off the finger tips like melted ice cream at a July pic nic. I have not had that feeling much lately, perhaps due to all the changes with living in NC temporarily, not being out in our garden and nature or swimming in the lake for the summer. My clock of routine is off balance. My notes and "stuff" is in Michigan.I do see a rebirth for me and I hope you encourage me to write as well.

I work with a "chronic pain and illness" therapist during times I need a little boost. He is great at making everything seem normal and reminding me of my need for perfection in life. "If I will not be perfect then I will not do it". What is that all about? I wonder how many of us underachieve to a degree at some point in our lives when the things we were once great at we no longer find our glory? I was more active, stronger, smarter, more energetic and more creative just three years ago. This is not due to age in total. It has more to do with the cards I have been dealt or picked for myself with lupus, chemo, meds, and bone loss-pain. I see a need to rebirth some of the old "younger me". I am begging to find minuscule pieces of her emerge as if awkwardly cracking out of a hard shell into a new world with memories of youthfulness,energy and zest for life. Shades of her are there lurking in the shadows around corners of cooking,cleaning,shopping,computering,entertaining, advising,advocating,designing,running errands and making all my weekly-monthly appointments around health and wellness. Hell I don't even have pets,kids or Chia pets. When we had Jake dog for 7 years he was a catalyst for me to get out and walk in the woods a few times a day and play toss etc. Now the ball is my hands for me to initiate action. How blessed I am to be able to walk (stumble) and even consider doing the things I now do. Two years ago I did not know if I would have the physical or mental ability to do much of anything. Renting movies and the food channel became my link to the outside world and unreadable pages of scribbled notes are proof of the recipes I pretended to be preparing,books to write,videos I wanted to rent, music to record or documentaries to see. It was like having a stroke. Hard to explain but things were not firing and energy levels were available for survival only. I was there but my body could not completely prove it.

Now is a new day for sure. As I crawl into this new skin I see how it only takes a little initiation and motivation to reach a little farther and dream a little more. That will eventually turn back into action in a healthy way. I might end up in a wheelchair one day but not now !!!!!Perhaps sometimes the little red wagon Douglas bought me will be seen fluttering to the farmer's market either with me towing or sitting on the end being towed. Either way I have a means to move about the planet as I see fit. Hang gliding,motorcycles,heavy farming,extreme dancing,sunning at the beach,hiking a tall mountain and more are memories....and good ones at that, but not my reality for now. I must consider saving what bone I have left for healing at best and maintaining at worst. I truly believe the worst is behind and I am strong as hell for whatever the future holds. Indulge me in the healing and rebirth. If you live close ask me to join you in a class or take a workshop. Invite me to read a book with you or join a club. Show me how to knit and go for a nature walk. I am open and sometimes need a simple invitation. I will tell you of I am not up to it, but the asking makes me feel strong,smart and healthy again.

PS...I joined a local farmers group. Every Thursday they provide fresh-local produce of what is in season. We buy a season (May-October) of shares and enjoy the growth of our hard working farmers in the Asheville area. If you have one in your area I suggest you join. Or if you have enough food from your garden to provide a box a week to a couple families do it. It is a great way to support local economy and organic gardening while avoiding the high costs of having food shipped in from Mexico or China. Helping food kitchens is another way to share the abundance of local farming. Do not forget eggs,dairy,flowers,herbs,honey,maple syrup,cider and meat. When you get involved with local economy you save your community from being a Super Wall-Mart "Ho". Plus it is fun for kids to learn about farming and natural elements in life. If none of the above is an option there must be a farmer's market or local farmer nearby with a little table by their drive with a few tomatoes or peppers sitting in the sun for "donation or contribution". What fun !!!! Right now we have a patio garden with herbs, tomatoes,greens and will ease into more. We could feed ourselves off one small patio. Summer reminds me of summer visits to West va. and of our garden at the farm and cottage up north Michigan. I learned so much form my grandparents about sewing seeds,manure,compost and reaping the benefits. Also about what to eat and not to eat. Hot peppers are not be eaten. My grandpa Gross taught me a tough lesson on that !!!!

I end this session with a happy smile and a restful weekend ready to get back at it in the am. Tonight perhaps I help Doug paint his extra large "Butt Ugly" cigarette butts for an anti litter night at the baseball game next week. He is the butt man.