Feeling Again........

Feeling is a strange thing. Sometimes I numb myself from feeling those things which are too painful: Aches and pains in bones, joints, muscles, heart and soul. I want to avoid anything unpleasant and seek all sorts of ways to avoid the cold hard realities of life. I do not watch TV news because it too depressing to watch our society slip down the drain. I try to read world news and then I get sad and angry because of all the pain in the world. I then meditate, eat, sleep, drink wine, snuggle with my love, day dream, read a book, watch a movie, talk on the phone and whatever one does to avoid being really still in the moment and allow whatever feelings are present.Meditation does this but sometimes I am meditating for world peace or healing as opposed to truly "feeling". This takes much practice. The truth is I am numbing with each and every action other than being completely present with whatever is at that moment. I have been trying something new for the past few weeks.....I call it "feeling It". Whatever the "it" is. If I see something sad about Myanmar, Iraq or Africa I cry. If I have a bad pain day I lay in bed and allow myself to truly feel every wrenching sensation as if I were going into the eye of a tornado. When I want to express something uncomfortable or think about an event I would rather forget I go even deeper into it. What does this mean? It means that after years of being so called "conscious and "spiritual" I realized I was numbing and putting on the happy face us woman especially tend to wear so often. I guess I am at that age when feelings and emotions are hard to deny or push down and the sensor button is worn thin with age and experience.

I remember watching my grandmother go through her change of life times with the utmost feeling and courage. She dared to say the unspeakable. I can remember being mortified when she would tell a waitress she was not doing a good job or make an off comment about a woman wearing too little in all the wrong places. Then I sadly have memories of her honesty with us "Damn Kids" and how at a very green young age, tender and raw, her words could bite. But now I am older and wiser. I see the importance of feeling and being honest with that feeling or desire or thought. Speak the truth. Tell it like it is. Be your own barometer. Then sit back and truly let the pressure dissolve inside your weary bones. The freedom that comes with age is that it is all good as long as we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and feel whatever we need to experience. Once the raw emotion passes and the pain subsides I get a smile on my naive face which lets me know I know nothing yet FEEL everything. This is a huge relief. In a weird way it is a pain blocker because the pain is there to tell us something if only we take the time to hear then it subsides like a needy dog desiring an ounce of attention. When we do not listen it gets louder and stronger. Why wait??? I say to myself. Life is too short and sweet. Taste the fruit and allow the emotions to run over your mind, lips and body in waves of reality, tempering all of life's trials and tribulations back to the stillness in our souls. That is true wisdom to me. Denial is just a river somewhere in us all which is ready to be unleashed and free.