OK still working on book....coffee talk

I finally see that writing a book is a healing journey that takes many twists and turns into the depths of ones soul. All the hidden treasures and ghosts come screaming out of the closet all at once or in little subtle pieces. Yesterday I took my Sunday afternoon chill out day. From 11:00-4:00 I worked on computer and from 4:00-7:00 I watched Food Channel shows I love, stayed off my sore legs and sipped on some chilled white wine, of course wine goes with food. Then I cooked dinner and watched last half of a movie while Douglas was finishing a long seemingly frustrating day on the computer working. After dinner we sat there watching the nature channel on a Peruvian Tribe and their rites of passage for men when the phone rang. It was Doug's phone and an old friend on the other end inviting he and a few other old dear friends to a lunch, which they do every few years when all are in Asheville. Their connection is deep and spiritually based back during a time before I met Douglas. I was also friends with two of them before I met Douglas as well, but not as close as he was so I would understand why it is important for them to have quality time.

We all have those connections with people in our lives who are like family and during pivotal times which are life changing, these bonds are made that much stronger. I would say this meets those qualifications for Douglas and I totally respect that. I have never been invited to join them though, unless I ask Douglas if I can come, he says yes, but I would not go anyway. It's the ego thing. That little girl inside me just likes being counted or considered and liked. The only girl on the playground playing alone during all those years we moved (just about every two-three years and usually right in the middle of the school year) was starting to pop out and was saying "Hey can I come? am I invited? Someone play with me fast". That's seemingly irrational but hidden deep down inside each and every one of us. Think of being bullied or having kids pick on you when you were young because your name was strange or your teeth were messed up? Or your glasses too big? You know what I am talking about. If you don't then you were either perfect, enlightened or the bully. It's a human thing to want to be part of the group, liked, loved and accepted.Most importantly "Understood". I think part of being in a good relationship is being able to express that need even if it seems childish.

The human psyche can be very tricky and will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Hormones? "Don't go there". It is more about peeling the onion and getting to the core of an old hurt possibly from early childhood or sooner? Douglas is a very sensitive man and loves me deeply, so it does not have to do with him directly. I I just want to be included and understood during those moments of "Poor me". Seems so tiny but we are not tiny creatures are we? No ! we are very complicated and even highly emotional at times. Our air waves reflect all the drama of super stars and politicians. I think we love seeing others emotional pain on some level because it makes us feel better about ourselves and we can jump to judge them instead of getting the tree out of our own eye. I want to live in a world where we try to find out "why?" instead of jumping to judge or turning the other direction? Why do we judge, fight,go to war,get jealous, feel superior,abuse people, cheat, lie, steal, have addictions, get angry, commit suicide, throw pity parties, have road rage, act out in any way other than that of love and compassion? If we know the answer to our inner pains we might find compassion, only then can we learn to empathize? Empathy can heal any wound but compassion has to be there to open the door to understanding with no judgment. It is a tall order we must learn in order to heal this world, ourselves, others and the planet. So it is much deeper when truly analyzed. I do think it takes the feminine touch to turn the tide. Our leaders could learn from the mothers and grandmothers.

The ego is the voice behind it all. It is afraid to be hurt, abandoned, unloved, disliked or damaged in any way. So we fly off the handle at a little things when the real big sore is still buried deep inside and bruised. The only way to do that is to keep peeling and keep it real. I chose to heal my inner scars but not at the expense of my mate, friends, strangers and family. No, I want to take the high ground, but still feel safe to express my feelings and be heard without being dismissed. I guess I have lots of work to do. Another day. Off to work on other more timely matters of a Monday. Oh, and men could learn how to listen better too with out trying to fix it or get frustrated with us emotional, powerful females.