This is the annivesrary of my mom's passing

Yet I feel VERY MUCH at peace with myself NOW, i went through most of my emotional anguish this week and last. There were many death anniversaries and some other recent deaths and major illnesses plus other relationship issues which I rarely have in my life. I felt as if the planet turned upside down starting two weeks ago and ended this morning at 3 am. I had a couple dreams, which if you know me, are epic in proportion, and also cathartic. Now I feel a sense of relief and total peace like normal. There for a couple weeks I was not pleased with my emotional state. I am not easily depressed but then I realized the death anniversaries and many mother issues, which are really in the past, yet surface during this week every flippin year. It is cyclic. Not just for me but my sibs as well........................."Step Sibs"? Being an only child my sibs are still the real deal with different parents. Then it came to me in a dream.........................all is well and as it is to be. Faith and gratitude in "all that is" helps me keep this sense of peace, even in rough waters.

I am new to face book. Do not hang me out to dry yet. It is a whole new obligation and I may not hang in there. I like writing on my blog, journal,letters,cards and in emails.............not to mention I have been writing a book for years. So FB is fun for now but do not be offended if I drop out. It is fun though........I have reconnected with so many people it is amazing. I hope it continues to be those with whom I want to connect. Some weirdos out there................??????? (not you doog) well actually, yes you are a weirdo, but in a good way.

In the meantime I have been thinking about what it means to be a good friend. That is a challenge for anyone much less someone who deals with a chronic, unpredictable and at times life threatening illness. Then add a husband who works odd hours, out of town and mostly for long periods of time, with his own health challenges. It makes life at home more interesting and unpredictable. This means I have to go with the flow on a moment to moment basis which drives most people crazy. I understand why. I have lost a few friends for this reason and I totally understand. What I want to say is "Try to place yourself in others shoes". If you have an illness which can appear at any moment( sometimes invisible to the eye) and never know if you on your butt for an indefinite period of time; would you feel compelled to make commitments and keep them even if it meant you are placing your life in danger? Would you want people to feel uncomfortable in your presence if you are pale, weak and looking like crap sometimes with tubes hanging from you? Do you know how hard it is to say to "NO" when all you want to say is "YES"? Well let me tell you it is not a fun ride but it does offer an opportunity to take care of ones needs while attempting to offer enlightenment at the same time. Jesus spoke of walking in another's shoes and he did not mean Nike Air. This is the real deal people. So for those of you who feel disappointed because I can not make a dinner date, grand opening, shower, wedding, a visit, party or whatever...........please know my intentions are good and "I can be flighty at times". Like it or not. If you want to be in relationship with me you have to deal with it. Douglas and I work very hard at simply maintaining our home-space, business and health. That is all we have to offer at the moment. I will not be offended, equally, if you can not be available to help or support us when we call. We TOTALLY understand. Life s a gift and peace is a choice. I desire to have drama free relationships which nurture each person involved, so if you can do that you are a real friend-family member. Which I treasure. If not then I understand and will miss the connection.

Love and blessings.......................................